Section 306 Episode 2 Section 306 Episode 1

It's New Year's Eve, dillweeds! Time to call a sitter, slap together some cheese crackers, pour some stiff high balls and resolve to do things that you'd only actually do if you were one of those people who had drive, determination and self-discipline. We'll stay up late, either at a local bar with scores of drunken amateurs wearing shiny hats and cheap necklaces, or at home watching Dick Clark sadly slur his words and repeatedly tossing it over to snarky Ryan Seacrest who's still circling Dick's hosting chair like a shark about to attack a wounded sea lion. Like time-lapse photos of John Kruk's scrotum, we'll see the ball drop, kiss someone near & dear to us, sing a song that still makes absolutely no sense to anyone, and eventually fall asleep with a category 4 hangover slowly gaining power in our skulls. Sounds great. Honestly, I think New Year's Eve is only great if you're in college and at a college bar, wealthy and at an exclusive party, or on vacation in the Caribbean with Salma Hayek. For the rest of us, it's not great, just a good time, at best. Or maybe not even a good time but at least something happens that makes for a good story. And that's okay because as I always say, “a good story is better than a good time”. This year, to ensure at least a good story, I've stacked the deck. We're having a little fiesta and have invited Kanye West and a bottle of Hennessy, Jon and a date plus Kate, Sarah Palin, David Letterman, Brian Kelly, some UC fans, Mike Leach, Craig James and his son, Alec Baldwin, Kim Basinger and their daughter, Bill O'Reilly, Michael Savage, Chris Matthews, the couple that crashed the White House dinner last month, the cast of MTV's Jersey Shore, the cast of MTV's The Ruins, Russell from Survivor Samoa, Paula Abdul, Ellen DeGeneres, Elin Nordgren, and four of Tiger's ho-hos. I'll text ya if anything good happens. In the meantime, here are some of the responses to my request for New Year's resolutions from family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, acquaintances, readers, and some selected inmates. Enjoy....

Eat healthier

Save more money

Lose at least fifteen pounds

See a psychologist about my man-crush on Howie Mandel

Cut back on sweets

Spend more time with my grandchildren

Get a promotion at work

Start recycling

Quit running up on stage and interrupting acceptance speeches during music awards shows

Start jogging in the mornings before work

Pack my lunch more often

Stop killing hamsters for sport

Call my parents at least twice a week just to say “Hi”

Quit smoking!

Learn how to speak Italian

Learn how to crochet

Learn how to make money from home on my computer

Start going to church again

Stop masturbating so much

Stop wiring money to people in Ghana whom I meet on the internet

Make a goal of handing out at least five compliments per day

Finally throw caution to the wind and try out for American Idol, no matter what my wife Beth thinks of it

Donate five dollars each week to the local soup kitchen

See a doctor about my constant rectal itching

Cut back my television viewing to nine hours per day

Learn how to swim

Stop using text shorthand, LOL

Try new foods, except Asian, Mexican, Greek, any seafood, or anything that's too spicy, bitter, sour, sweet, or contains anything made from corn, soy, or any corn or soy byproduct

Make peace with the souls that haunt me in my dreams

Finally say yes to Valerie Abati and let her take me out for coffee

Follow my lawyer's instructions and tell the parole board what they want to hear so I can get out of here and seek vengeance on all who conspired to put me in this hellhole

Come out of the closet

Do a much better job of running the country, and maybe quit listening to Pelosi, Reid & Frank

Quit being so judgmental of others

Finally get over my hatred of the 49ers and stop damning them to hell all the time

Read at least one book a month

Never again launch a crazy UFO balloon and tell people that my son's trapped inside of it

Eat more fiber

Eat more whole grains

Eat Mor Chikin

Start taking yoga

Try a Pilates class

Sever all ties with humanity

Start scrapbooking and try to make a friend

Volunteer at the animal shelter

Start the lengthy process of growing my hair out to look like Dog Chapman's

Spend more time with my grandma

Spend more time studying and less time partying

Get out of debt

Stop drinking before 10am

Organize my home office

Invest more cautiously

Get a better job

Go back to school

Start dating a cheerleader

Stop responding to stupid email requests for things like, “Tell me what your New Year's Resolution is going to be so I can use it in my blog.”

Now on with the matchups....


Colts at Bills-

Expect the Colts to stay true-to-form with their has-always-been-a-failure strategy to protect their starters and play a bunch of no-talent guys this week. The Bills will also stay true-to-form with their has-always-been-a-failure strategy of playing their starters, thereby also playing a bunch of no-talent guys.

Pick: Bills, 20-17


Bears at Lions-

Will this game mark the end of the Lovie Smith Era in Chicago? Will the quarterback from Santa Claus, Indiana give away four more gifts and finish with at least thirty interceptions on the season? Will the Lions give up over thirty points for the eighth time this season and cement their spot as this year's worst-ranked defense? Will this be the last time we see Daunte Culpepper on the good side of 300 lbs? Will anyone who's not a Lions or Bears beat writer ask even half as many questions about this game as I just did?

Pick: Bears, 26-14


Steelers at Dolphins-

The Black & Yellow Vampires are still being counted among the undead in the AFC. Following a ridiculous last-second touchdown pass against the Packers two weeks ago, last Sunday they were handed a victory by the Ravens who lost 113 yards on eleven penalties, two of which wiped out touchdowns and another that erased an interception of ROFLsberger. The ridiculousness of their last two contests prompted me to have my staff do a little legwork and their findings are just what I suspected. According to fifth-person testimony and documents obtained from a dumpster behind a Pittsburgh-area Popeye's, Mike Tomlin has a 3-game deal with the devil with a club option to extend to six games should they make the playoffs. Details of what Tomlin has to sacrifice are a bit sketchy but from what we can make out amidst some grease and gravy stains, it at the very least includes somebody's first born something as well as several locks of well-conditioned hair from a native Samoan.



Pick: Steelers, 28-20


Giants at Vikings-

The lethargic Giants, trying to recover from being pile driven by the Panthers, are headed to Minnesota to take on the Vikings who themselves responded to being clocked by the Panthers by going to Chicago and getting upset by the Bears. In other words, a couple of what have become rare Panthers ******es are preparing to chick-fight each other. The Giants need this one to save face while the Vikes need it to have a shot at a first round bye in the playoffs. That may prove significant for the Purple Heads as they've lost their last three on the road and have just one road victory this season against a team with a winning record. Jesus, what kind of self-respecting Vikings can't kick a$$ on the road. Their whole M.O. is supposed to be sacking villages, plundering, looting, and various other uncivilized acts of barbarism. This group leaves the Mall (aka Mall of America Dome, aka Worst. Stadium. Name. Ever. ) and they're as harmless as a band of agoraphobic emo rockers.

Pick: Vikings, 23-20


Falcons at Buccaneers-

The Falcons have won two straight, are 8-7 on the season and are thoroughly disappointed. The Bucs have also won two straight, they sit at 3-12 on the season and are thoroughly excited. Well, not everyone is Tampa is excited. Apparently their GM has contacted Bill Cowher about becoming their next head coach. When asked about this news, Bucs current head coach Raheem Morris, a stockily-built Seal lookalike, retorted, "I don't think Bill Cowher makes those decisions. I think our ownership does. ... I choose to laugh at or ignore some of the gossip," He went on to say that "This game is not for everybody. Not for the mentally weak, it's not for the soft, it's not for everybody." For me it's about production, going on the field and progressing. All the other stuff is gray matter. That's just messes you up for next week." Yeah, I mean who needs grey matter?



Pick: Falcons, 20-16


Niners at Rams-

Resolution, smezolution

Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!

As a side note, those who know me best will be glad to hear that I passed by a Chiefs fan wearing a Joe Montana jersey at PBS last Sunday and well, I instinctively yelled some slightly profane (yet hilarious) stuff at him. In short, despite my current station in life and my financial fortitude, I've still not progressed socially past your run of the mill juvenile delinquent.

Pick: Niners, 24-16


Patriots at Texans-

With a victory this Sunday, the Texans would secure their first winning season in the franchise's eight years of existence and keeps their slim hopes at a playoff spot alive. New England, despite owning the league's 7th-best pass defense, has only played four teams all season with decent passing games (Baltimore, Denver, New Orleans, Indy) and in those games have given up an average of 28.5 points. In case you were wondering, the Texans have the league's #2 passing offense.

While a Houston win would open the door for the Bengals to move into the #3 seed in the AFC, I think I speak for every fan of each of the other AFC playoff teams when I say that I want the Texans nowhere near the playoffs. Them getting in could be the equivalent of tossing a lit cigarette next to a leaking 40-gallon fuel drum.



Pick: Texans, 24-23


Saints at Panthers-

New Orleans has home field locked up throughout the playoffs, so they have nothing to play for. The Panthers have been kicking butt lately but are out of the race and have nothing to play for. That's really too bad because these two division rivals have been a good, entertaining match for one another in recent years. Tell ya what, just to make it worth their while, I'm putting up a case of High Life and some gift certificates to Bob Evans to go to the winner. That oughtta rile ‘em up a little.

Pick: Panthers, 28-24


Jaguars at Browns-

Mangini's Browns have won three in a row. (Semi-enthusiastic applause) That means it's time for this week's pop quiz....

The Browns 3-game winning streak means which of the following is true?

a) They're getting a worse draft pick b) There will be at least one more season of Eric Mangini in Cleveland c) Half-priced reubens at Ollie's Kosher Kafe in Parma d) Nobody cares e) All of the above f) None of the above

Answer: e) and f)

Pick: Jaguars, 20-13


Eagles at Cowboys-

Both of these teams are peaking at the exact same time. It's like a 35-year old woman seducing a 19-year old guy. What? Which team is the woman? Well, the Eagles score fast while the Cowboys like their sure-handed receivers and have an aging yet still-stellar tight end, plus they will be consummating this act at the Cowboys posh new crib, so I guess the Cowboys are the Cougar. The question is, how will it turn out. There are always two and only two possibilities in this type of situation: either the Eagles fall into unrequited love with the Cowboys and/or the Cowboys get knocked-up.



Pick: Eagles, 34-24


Skins at Shirts (Chargers)-

The Jim Zorn Farewell Tour makes its final stop in sunny San Diego! Count me among those who are going to miss the NFL's Jay-Z. I don't know what I'm going to miss most, the defeatist tone of his postgame press conferences, his wacky game management, or the quizzical look he gets on his face while staring out at the field, almost like he's watching Kabuki theatre for the first time. Good luck Jay-Z, here's hoping you somehow make a triumphant return as coach of the Ravens, Steelers or Browns someday.





Pick: Chargers, 17-14


Titans at Seahawks-

The only mildly compelling aspect of this game is whether we'll see Chris Johnson get the 128 rushing yards he needs to pass the 2,000 yard mark. That and well, there is one more compelling thing about this matchup......It's Cheerleader Posedown Time!



Pick: Titans, 24-17


Ravens at Raiders-

Pardon the Ravens if they come limping into this one but that's what happens when you shoot your own leg off like they did in Pittsburgh last Sunday. Now they have travel all the way across country and win in Oaktown to secure a playoff spot. The Black Hole has lived up to its moniker this season as it's swallowed up two contenders already- Philly and Cincinnati. Hopefully the Raiders will be psyched-up and ready to go and win one for their owner. If you've seen him lately, you know that every new Sunday could be his last. And if you know Al like I do (not at all), you know that he's at a stage where he's resigned himself to three distinct pleasures in life: butterscotch pudding, anime porn, and upset wins by the Raiduz.



Pick: Ravens, 20-9


Packers at Cardinals-

The Packers have scored 196 points over their last six games (32.7 per game). The Cards have scored over 30 points in five of their last eight games. Warner, Rodgers. Fitzgerald, Jennings. Bouldin, Driver. Two top-ten offenses, two top-ten passing attacks, squaring off in a desert dome. Ooh baby! Uh...huh....um....heh-heh..... Am I excited about this one? As my boxers would attest right now, yes, yes I am excited about this one.

Pick: Packers, 34-30


Chiefs at Broncos-

Who would've guessed that after their 6-0 start, the Donkeys would wind up sitting here needing a win and lots of help to get into the playoffs? The NFL Gods, that's who. He's experienced what it's like to get a good smiting. You can't explode with five self-congratulatory fist pumps after a game and seriously expect to get away with it.



Pick: Broncos, 24-17


Sunday Night
Bengals at Jets-

Okay, one more time, with feeling... J! - E! - T! - S! Suck! SUCK!! SUCK!!!

Hopefully Marvin sits the starters and guarantees a date next week with Tater Salad's squad and rookie quarterback here in Cincinnati. Oh, and a very special thanks to all of the fans, players and coaches who submitted votes for this year's Pro Bowl. After counting the ballots, the Bengals have officially become the first division winner since the NFL-AFL merger to not have a single player selected to the Pro Bowl. The extra fuel for their “nobody respects us” fire is much appreciated.



Pick: Jets, 20-10

 

So we’ve reached what could be, should be (finally) a playoff-clinching, AFC North championship victory Sunday for the Bengals. Normally Week 15 is a time for reflection, remorse, and a little regurgitation for us Bengal fans. But not this year. Despite a Chernobyl-esque meltdown a few weeks ago against the Raiders, a brutal two-game roadie to Minnesota and San Diego, and some really heavy emotional grenades being hurled at them, our boys are headed to the playoffs for just the second time since Knots Landing was a hit tv show and Poison had a #1 single. We’ve suffered through a lot of crap over the last fifteen years- Dave Shula, Akili Smith, David Klingler, Bruce Coslet, James Francis, Rod "Toast" Jones, Fat Daddy, Vagina Carter, Kimo's cheap shot on Carson's knee (yes it was and you all know it)and on, and on, and on.....

But this Sunday should not be a day to look back, rather it’s hopefully a day to celebrate and look forward to even brighter days ahead. Let’s celebrate what the Black Jesus has brought back from the dead. Let’s celebrate the leadership of Carson Palmer and Dhani Jones, the resurrection of Cedric Benson, the miracle work of Mike Zimmer, the sure hands and footwork of Ochocinco, the Samoan connection of Peko-Maualuga-Fanene, the bull-dozing by Andrew Whitworth, the emergence of Kyle Cook and Bernard Scott, the leaping of Brian Leonard, and a couple of guys who Brett Favre called the best cornerback tandem in the league . Yes, I say let’s celebrate. Let’s celebrate the end of Cincinnati’s Great Football Depression, and let’s celebrate it with a song. With apologies to Adam Sandler and to the sacred days of Hanukah, here goes........

There's a lot of football songs out there,
But not too many about the Cincinnati Bengals.
So I wrote a song for all those long-suffering Bengal fans who haven’t gotten to stand up and shout for a while.
Here we go...

Put on your Bengal gear
Here comes the Who Dey cheer
It’s so much fun-a-dey
To shout for the Bengals today

Who Dey is..... the cheer of Cincinnati
Instead of "Rah" or "Go Team", we have this crazy ebonical skatty

So when you feel like the only person, cheering the Bengals to victory,
Here's a list of people who are also Bengal fans, just like you and meeeeeee......

The Senate minority leader, wears orange & black on Sundays
So do Woody Harrelson, Bootsy Collins, and the ghost of Ray Combs-dey

Guess who eats together at the Skyline Chili
It’s the Naked Cowboy and Academy Award winner George Clooney
Carmen Electra yells "Who Dey!", Vanessa Minnillo now yells it, too
Put them in tiger-striped bikinis and just enjoy the view

You don't need "Luv ya Blue" or "the Super Bowl Shuffle"
'Cause you can rock the joint with Guns n Roses’- "Welcome to the Jungle"

Put on your Bengal gear
It's time for the Who Dey cheer
The owner of Chiquita Banana-dey
Has stripes painted on his face today

Rosie O’Donnell, .......not a Bengals fan But guess who is?
70's rocker Peter Frampton- he converted

We got ESPN’s Dan Patrick, FOX's Bill Hemmer, too
The UFC's Rich Franklin, and the Lachey brothers, Nick and Drew

Some people think, that Katie Holmes is
Well that's not confirmed, but guess who is
The Red Sox' Kevin Youkilis

So many stars like to yell "Who Dey!"
Tom Cruise isn't, but that’s okay because he’s gay...allegedly

Tell your friend Sha-neyney
It's time to yell out "Who Dey!"
I hope they play Super Bowl Sun-a-day
And bring a trophy back to Cincinnatidey
So drink your old six pack of Hu-dey beer today
But don't smoke your marijuanidey
If you really, really wannadey.......
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Who Dey Day

Who Dey, Who Dey, Who Dey think gonna beat dem Bengals?!........NOOOOOOOOBODY!!

Now, on with the Matchups........

Friday Night Chargers at Titans- Now locked into the AFC's #2 seed and a first round bye, the Electric Sperm Army has nothing to play for except trying to maintain some sort of momentum and to avoid injury. The Titans however are caught up in that quagmire of 7-7 teams trying to pass the Ratbirds & Donkeys and are trying to write the ending chapters to what would be an epic comeback of a season. Think about this: If Tennessee wins out and makes the postseason, they'll likely have the comeback player of the year (Vince Young), a player with just the sixth 2,000 yard rushing season in history (Chris Johnson), the Coach of the Year (Jeff Fisher), the only team to have an owner fined for stepping out of his luxury box to flip off opposing fans (Bud Adams), and be the first team ever to start out 0-6 and still make the playoffs. Wow. Now think about this: If you took each individual hair in Jeff Fisher's mustache and lined them end to end, they would stretch from Nashville all the way to Istanbul.


Pick: Titans, 27-23

Sunday Chiefs at Bengals- KC has the second-worst run defense in the league and have given up more than forty (yes, 4-0) points in three of their last four games. This one should be easy, so of course it won't be. Pick: Bengals, 28-20

Raiders at Browns- Word out of Cleveland this morning was that Mike Holmgren is going to take over the franchise as their Football Czar, or something. How do you compensate a czar? Rubles? Schillings? Dinars? Actually with Holmgren you're probably good with spare ribs, strawberry pie, and donut holes. Also, in case you hadn't noticed, the Browns have won two straight and the Raiders have won three of their last four, all against teams with winning records. I know, who cares? Pick: Browns, 14-13

Seahawks at Packers- This used to be the Mike Holmgren Bowl. Not anymore. Now I think it's the Milwaukee's Best Light.com Mike Holmgren Bowl. Or something. The Pack might want to borrow some donut holes from their old coach to help plug up a suddenly Swiss cheesey-cheese-ish secondary that gave up over 500 passing yards (yes, 500) to the Steelers last Sunday. Pick: Packers, 33-17

Ravens at Steelers- I've said it before and I'll say it again; the Steelers are like some sort of vampire. Not one of those wussy uber-romantic Twilight vampires, but one from Van Helsing or from the warped mind of Bram Stoker. Five straight losses, three of which were to the Browns, Chiefs and Raiders yet somehow they're still alive for a playoff spot. Seriously? If I'm John Harbaugh, I'm telling my equipment manager to pack garlic necklaces, crucifixes, wooden stakes, and to fill the Gatorade coolers with holy water.



Pick: Steelers, 24-21

Bills at Falcons- Man, there are a lot of great matchups this weekend, This game of course is not one of them. On a holiday entertainment scale, this one's like watching Christmas Comes to Pac Land.



Pick: Falcons, 20-16

Texans at Dolphins- There are some people like that scrawny elf-nosed Colin Cowherd who believe that you have to be a top-tier passing team to win in the NFL today. "Power running teams with strong defenses don't have a prayer. This is a new era...." etc.., is the gist of his argument. Yeah, well allow me to introduce you to the Houston Texans. The Texans have the league's #2-ranked passing attack to go along with a defense sporting a respectable #14 ranking and yet they're a loss this Sunday in Miami from missing the post season and need help even if they win out. You can't get over just slinging it all over the field, nor can you just by running all the time (See: Jets, New York). It's like Mr. Miyagi said, "Better learn balance. Balance is key. Balance good, football good. Everything good. Balance bad, better pack up, go home. Understand?" Okay, he didn't say football, he said karate, whatever, you get the idea and it still applies. His genius knew not the bounds of just one athletic endeavor. Speaking of Mr. Miyagi, he'd be an upgrade over Cowherd on that Sports Nation show on ESPN. To use one of Cowherd's own expressions, that show is a "dumpster fire", and it's mostly his fault. His female co-host, Michelle Beadle, is attractive, funny, genuine, well-informed, well-prepared, thick-skinned...all the things that Cowherd is not. He's horribly painful and distracting to watch. I've seen animatronic characters do a better job of connecting with their audience. What's that? Mr. Miyagi's dead? I mean, Pat Morita's dead? Okay, well he'd still be an upgrade over Cowherd.



Pick: Dolphins, 24-20

Buccaneers at Saints- Let me start off by listing the Bucs advantages in this matchup.....um......well.....it's Cheerleader Posedown Time!



Pick: Saints, 31-17

Panthers at Giants- Unless they wind up winning their division, this will be the last game for the Giants at The Meadowlands before moving to their new co-op next season. The Giants have played there since it opened in 1976 and according to public records, over those 35 season, the following has gone down there: It has been the home of the Giants, the Jets, the Generals of the USFL, the Knights of the WFL, the Hitmen of the XFL, the Sentinels of the UFL, and it was the home field of the New Orleans Saints versus the Giants after Hurricane Katrina. It was the site of the old Garden State Bowl, the home field on occasion for Army & Navy and during emergencies for Syracuse, Temple and Princeton. It has also been the home of various pro soccer teams, many high school football classics, and has hosted such notables as The Jackson 5, Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, The Eagles, The Rolling Stones, The Who, U2, Kiss, Pink Floyd, The Grateful Dead, Aerosmith, Bon Jovi, Dave Matthews Band, The Police, Elton John, Billy Joel, AC/DC, Metallica, Guns n' Roses, the Beach Boys, and Pope John Paul II. It has also housed an estimated 16,900,000 drunk & disorderly guidos, been the conception site of an estimated 175,000 guidos, played the role of crime scene for an estimated 436 guidos, unknowingly provided a seat to an estimated 284,000 wanted guido felons, and allegedly has the corpse of a former Teamsters president rotting-away underneath one of the end zones.. Good times. Pick: Giants, 28-10 Jaguars at Patriots- This is a tall order for Jack of the River, having to take his team up to New England and win in order to stay alive for the playoffs. I'm not saying it can't be done but my sources tell me that a swarm of vultures were seen earlier today circling the Jags practice facility. My sources also got their hands on Bill Belichick's letter to Santa. His wish list included the following items: new grey hoodie new blue hoodie new red hoodie another new grey hoodie another new blue hoodie a signed copy of Sex in the City Season 3 on DVD another new red hoodie a bottle of Glenlivet scotch a new pair of shower sandals Pick: Patriots, 30-24

Rams at Cardinals- I've been patiently waiting 15 weeks and now I'm thrilled to announce that I finally feel strongly enough to say the following with great confidence.... The St. Louis Rams are now on the clock


Pick: Cardinals, 30-13

Lions at Niners- Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to hell! Pick: Niners, 24-20

Broncos at Eagles- The Eagles have won five straight and seem to be peaking at just the right time. On the flip side, the Broncos have lost two in a row, six of their last eight, and are deteriorating faster than Joan River's face in a steam room. Pick: Broncos, 20-16

Jets at Colts- Well, with the Saints loss last week, Mercury Morris, Bob Greise, Don Shula, and the rest of the bitter, self-congratulatory '72 Dolphins only have one team to root against the rest of the way. If the Colts do make it through the Super Bowl undefeated, my only request is that Peyton Manning, instead of saying "I'm going to Disney World", says, "I'm going to Mercury Morris' house. Hey Mercury, I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!"



Pick: Colts, 16-13

Sunday Night Shirts (Cowboys) at Skins- The Jim Zorn Farewell Tour is again in the limelight. I'm going to say this just once and then I won't mention it again: Jim Zorn needs to be mentally evaluated by the District of Columbia. Don't believe me? I submit to you, Exhibit A...


I rest my case. Pick: Cowboys, 21-9

Monday Night Vikings at Bears- Kyle's dad was right. Kinda.



Pick: Vikings, 31-24

 

Upon finishing this week's post, I've just learned of Chris Henry's car accident and reported life-threatening injuries. Since joining the Bengals, he has certainly had several serious miss-steps but by all accounts has strived to turn his life around. Regardless, he is a father, a husband, a son, and certainly loved and relied upon by those closest to him. My prayers will be with him and his family.

So I’m watching the Cowboys and the Chargers last Sunday afternoon and because apparently I’m the type of person who needs to be constantly entertained, I flip around to other channels during the commercial breaks, during referee huddles, during first down measurements, and each & every time the announcers toss it down to the sideline reporter. After a little surfing, something catches my eye. No, not Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. No, not the latest Carrie Underwood video. And no, not the latest interview with one of Tiger Wood's skanstresses. It was a show on the Food Network about, well, food (and again no, I’m not gay). Specifically, this show was about what we commonly refer to as “comfort foods”. You know, those foods that make us feel good, ones that we just have to have every once in a while, that we could eat every day if we had to, and that for some reason, just always hit the spot. Mine is a grilled turkey, bacon & cheese sandwich with a bowl of tomato soup. Yours might be a peanut butter & jelly sandwich with the crust cut off, or maybe your mom’s meatloaf, or perhaps a steaming bowl of Chunky Clam Chowder, or, if you’re former Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis; five egg sandwiches, a stack of hotcakes, a basket of bisuits smothered in beef gravy, sixteen sausage links, four pounds of bacon, and a dozen cinnamon rolls with extra glaze.

So I built up an appetite, flipped around some more and found Pulp Fiction airing for seemingly just the 273rd time this year on the IFC channel. After a few minutes of Jules toying with Vincent, then Jules toying with Brett, then Mia toying with Vincent, it hit me- Pulp Fiction is one of my comfort foods. Yep, you see I don’t think a comfort food has to actually be a “food”. It could be a movie, a tv show, a cd, a book, a best friend, a pet, a weekly card game, a favorite chair, or, if you’re Tiger Woods, any woman except your wife. It’s anything that makes you feel like, no matter what else is going on, that everything is somehow going to be okay. We have to have these things. We have to know that they’re there, waiting for us, whenever we need them. They’re our “go-to” receivers. Basically, they’re our Antonio Gates.

Huh?

That's right. Flipping back to the game, I realized that Gates is Phillip Rivers' comfort food. First play of a big game against a tough defense, what do you do? Fake the handoff and throw it to number 85. Comfort food.

Rivers has other guys to throw to; Vincent Jackson, Malcolm Floyd and Darren Sproles are all legit playmakers but none of it works without Gates. He’s the go-to guy. Why is he Rivers' go-to guy, his "comfort food"? Because Rivers knows that he’ll be where he’s supposed to be, when he’s supposed to be there, and no matter what he throws at him, he’ll take care of it. No matter what else is going on around him- other receivers running wrong routes, an ineffective running game, too much crowd noise to yell out an audible...- all it takes is a look, just a look from Rivers to Gates & they're on the same page. Comfort food.

Believe me, none of it works without Gates. If you don't believe me, take away someone’s comfort food and watch what happens. What if suddenly your dog ran away, or your best friend stopped talking to you, or the weekly poker game was no more, or mom went on a meatloaf-baking strike….? You’d be out of sorts....not yourself....a little lost, don’t you think? Of course you would. Being comfortable isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity. Ask Carson Palmer just how much fun he’s having without T.J. Ask Tom Brady how grand life was for a couple weeks without Wes Welker. Not good times.

Why do I mention all this? Because with three weeks left in the season, this is the time when quarterbacks start really relying on the "go-to guys", coordinators start depending on their "bread & butter plays", and head coaches start saying things like, “we've gotta get back to what we do best”. That’s why this Sunday I fully expect to see a lot more of Rivers to Gates, Romo to Witten, Orton to Marshall, Brady tossing to Welker, Warner looking for Fitzgerald, Vince Young pulling it down & running out of the pocket, Rodgers throwing to Donald Driver, a lot of McNabb to Celek in Philly, and the Bengals handing the ball to Benson over and over and over and over again. And me, well, you can be sure I’ll be watching it all go down while eating my grilled turkey, bacon & cheese sandwich with a hot bowl of tomato soup. Or maybe a Big Kahuna burger and five-dollar milkshake.

Good times.

Now on with the matchups....

Thursday Night Colts at Jaguars- Seemingly the only way to have a shot at the Colts is to either pester Manning with a strong pass rush or to kidnap him before the game starts. It should be no coincidence then, that the Jags corporate credit card statement is showing recent purchases of a roll of duct tape, a bottle of chloroform, and a late-model panel van.



Pick: Colts, 27-17

Saturday Night Cowboys at Saints- My Lord, yet another December loss for the Cowboys? If this folding act continues, they'll have to replace the star on their helmets with a picture of one of the following: a cheap suit a lawn chair a tent my uncle Charlie playing the first ten hands of any poker game Pick: Saints, 28-20 Sunday Browns at Chiefs- Ladies and gentlemen of America, I hereby present to you The Don Criqui Game of the Week!



Pick: Browns, 17-14

Texans at Rams- You know how on Survivor they have challenges where teams have to, say, walk as a group across a long unstable rope bridge to grab a key, then swim out and use that key to unlock a sunken treasure chest, swim back with a bag of puzzle pieces from the chest, then run up to a platform on the beach and put the puzzle together? Yeah well, all of the serious playoff contenders are halfway done with their puzzles and the Texans are still trying to get their key to fit in the chest. The Rams? Oh,they fell into a sink hole ten feet from the starting line. I believe they've all passed on. We'll extinguish their torches for them and send their belongings to closest known relatives.



I'm stupid. Pick: Texans, 31-14

Falcons at Jets- J! - E! - T! - S! Suck! SUCK!! SUCK!!!



Pick: Jets, 20-17

Dolphins at Titans- Are there two spunkier teams in the NFL right now than these two? The Dolphins lost their starting quarterback and their top running back yet continue to fight, win close games, and stay in the race. The Titans lost their first six games but have since won six of their last seven despite a quarterback change and a mostly no-name defense with a banged-up secondary. Unfortunately for these two spunky teams, after Sunday one of them will have lost much of their spunk but one of them will have even more spunk and will be more eager than ever to unleash their spunk on somebody else. Ooh, that's quite a bit of spunk. I may have just violated some kind of obscenity law. Pick: Titans, 24-20

Patriots at Bills- So Randy Moss is not happy. He's alligator-arming passes over the middle again, going half-speed on plays where he's not the primary target, showing up late for team meetings, and generally sulking like a four year old who's just had his Spider Man web shooter taken away because he hit his aunt Mildred in the cheek with it despite being told several times not to point it at anyone. I didn't think I'd ever catch myself offering this piece of advice to anyone but, well, I think that Randy should take some lessons from T..O. He's pretty much kept his mouth shut during a tough year in a Godforsaken town. As a matter of fact, Randy, if you're not happy in New England, I'm sure that T.O. would gladly trade places with you. So would Lee Evans. And just about everyone else on the Bills roster. And your fans are starting to get restless with you now. Here's a text from a loyal Chowderhead now-



Pick: Bills, 27-24

Cardinals at Lions- Well, after serving up more turnovers than the neighborhood bakery on Monday night, the Cards should be primed for a nice comeback effort against those Culpeppery Lions. Speaking of the Lions.... a 48-3 loss to the Ravens. Really? Forty eight points to Joe Flacco? For the last two months they guy was walking around like he'd just received a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Future and they y'all come along to wake him up out of the nightmare. Hell, by the time the 3rd quarter rolled around, I was expecting at any moment to see him start tossing ha'pennies and shillings out to the children in the crowd. God bless you Lions fans, every one. Pick: Cardinals, 38-17

Bears at Ravens- Speaking of Flacco, we'll see if he can put another decent game together and keep the Ravens playoff hopes alive against the Bears. And Jesus, Jay Cutler. If I were a Bears fan, I think I'd be weighing my options between a nice big glass of antifreeze, a closed garage with the car running, or another few years watching this clown lead my football team into ruin. I've heard analysts say that his problem is that he's trying to fit the ball into windows which are too tight. Really? I've seen a lot of his interceptions. If you call the midsection of a defender a "window" then, okay. And poor Ed Reed is going to miss this one due to injury. I'm guessing he's so sick to his stomach over missing this opportunity that he's vomiting meals he hasn't even eaten yet. Pick: Ravens, 21-16

Raiders at Broncos- If any Oakland sports writer is looking for a headline this week, here are a few lame freebies for you which should be just your speed: (because they're 4-9) Raiders of the Lost Season,.... (because they're head coach is Tom Cable) The Cable Guy's Guys,.... (because they're playing in Denver this Sunday) Things to do in Denver When You're Dead,.... (if Gradkowski can play this week and leads them to their 3rd win in the last five games) Bruce Almighty ,.... and (if you happen to get an exclusive interview with Al Davis) Tales from the Crypt. You're welcome.



Pick: Broncos, 24-16

Bengals at Chargers- After last week's debacle, I've got just one thing to say: It's Cheerleader Posedown Time!


Pick: Chargers, 27-17

Buccaneers at Seahawks- We have a new contender in the race for Interception Machine of the Year. It's Tampa Bay rookie Josh Freeman. Let me first say that I like Freeman, I think that he'll be a fine NFL quarterback, and he has pretty much nothing around him right now except for a pretty cool pirate ship and some smoking-hot cheerleaders. However, thanks to a 3-interception game against the Jets last weekend, he's joined Jake Delhomme and Jay Cutler as the favorites to win this not-so-coveted award. While Freeman doesn't lead the league in total number of interceptions against (due mainly to fewer starts than the other contenders), he's somehow managed to toss 13 picks in just 202 attempts, meaning that 6.4% of the time he cocks his arm, bad things happen. - (insert 4th grade level joke here) - By way of comparison, Delhomme has had only 5.6% of his passes picked off and Cutler just 4.8% I'm pretty certain that this week's cross-country trip to Seattle, playing in a cold, wet, loud environment isn't going to help matters. I remember the last time I had to try and perform in a cold, wet, loud environment. It was 1992 and began innocently enough skinny dipping on a late November evening with my buddy Squintz' mom. It ended with double leg cramps, shame, regret, an eventual prescription for some ointment, and haunting memories to this day whenever I hear the buzzing wings of a dragonfly. Pick: Seahawks, 23-10

Niners at Eagles- Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell! Pick: Eagles, 27-13 Packers at Steelers- A couple weeks ago, Mike Tomlin professed that in December the Steelers were going to "unleash hell". Hell? They haven't even unleashed the hounds. The only thing they've managed to unleash is their losing streak which now stands at five in a row. Maybe he meant they were going to unleash hell on their fans. I don't know. Honestly, I can't really concentrate on what he's saying when he speaks. He looks like Omar Epps but has an only slightly less punctuated cadence than Jackie Childs. It's truly mesmerizing.





Pick: Packers, 23-20

Sunday Night Vikings at Panthers- Time for this week's pop quiz. Why does Vikings defensive end Jared Allen still sport a mullet? a) it's become his trademark and for marketing purposes he's become a slave to it b) the business in the front, party in the back feature of the mullet allows him to explore two different personalites simultaneously c) without the mullet he'd stand out like a sore thumb in Allen family photos d) it makes a good place for him to hide acorns, car keys, or a can of dip e) he's an idiot f) all of the above Answer: f) minus b) multiplied by e)


Pick: Vikings, 28-13

Monday Night Shirts (Giants) at Skins- Last five games for the Skins: win over Oakland by 21, three point overtime loss to New Orleans, three point loss at Philly, one point loss at Dallas, ten point win over Denver. Look out people, a hope-crushing win over the G-Men on Monday night and you just might see the roadies taking down those The Jim Zorn Farewell Tour banners and replacing them with ones that read The Jim Zorn Spoiler Tour. Just a thought here but do you suppose he has any groupies now? Hey Jim, do you have...



I thought so. Pick: Skins, 24-17

So there's just about two weeks until Christmas and I just minutes ago finished my wish list to mail off to Santa. Actually, now that Santa finally has an email address and that Blackberry I got him for his birthday, I was able to just send a text via my iPod Touch that he can retrieve while he's making his rounds checking on the elves and the reindeer. Apparently the 3rd shift elves like to hit the Stoli pretty hard and come up with some wacky stuff. Remember the Land of the Misfit Toys? Exactly. Anyway, I struggled with my list this year, so many things I want, so few things I really need, but in the end I believe I was able to craft a pretty reasonable number of manageable request. And because I don't mind sharing my hopes and dreams with you, here's a sampling of some of the items from my list....

Mad Men season 3 on DVD

A home playoff win for the Bengals

A case of Boddington's Pub Ale

A Steelers-free playoffs

A Patriots-free Super Bowl

A Tag Heuer Grand Carrera chronograph watch

The mysterious disappearance of Keith Olbermann

A Sugar Bowl victory for UC

Another year at UC for Brian Kelly

A healthy year for my family

A healthy Domata Peko

A loaded $84,500 Chipotle gift card

More of Carrie Underwood

Less of Carrie Underwood's clothes

More of Anna Faris

Less of Tina Fey

The mysterious disappearance of Lady Gaga

A new Hines Ward voodoo doll

Two tickets and roundtrip airfare to go to the final stop on The Jim Zorn Farewell Tour in San Diego on Jan. 3

A case of Miller High Life

A signed copy of Brett Farve's deal with the devil

A huge stocking filled with Sour Patch Kids, Swedish Fish, and Sno Caps

Another huge stocking filled with Salma Hayek

The mysterious disappearance of Dane Cook

A replica Brady Quinn Least Valuable Player trophy

More Ed Hochuli

Less Jeff Triplette

A contract to represent Nebraska's Ndamakong Suh in next spring's NFL Draft

A pair of Nike all-weather golf gloves

The Patron 4-bottle gift set and a signed Ochocinco sombrero

The mysterious disappearance of Perez Hilton

The official C.I.A. Manual of Trickery and Deception

A copy of Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds on Blue Ray

A crack at the Buffalo Bills head coaching job

A free swing of the shovel at the back of the following ESPNers melons: Neil Everett, Scott Van Pelt, Stuart Scott, Mark May, and of course, Chris Berman

The mysterious disappearance of Neil Everett , Scott Van Pelt, Stuart Scott, Mark May, and Chris Berman

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas on DVD

A trained attack penguin

A bottle of Jim Beam Red Stag

An Eric Mangini FAIL poster

More of The Albert Brothers

Less of the Buffer Brothers

Everything made by North Face

A Toyota Tundra Midnight Rider Tailgater

The mysterious disappearance of Joy Behar

A Bears Jay Cuntler jersey

A St. Louis Rams I Believe....We Stink t-shirt

A large Chester's Pizza with pepperoni, onion, bacon and extra cheese

The official Tony Romo's How to Kill a Promising Season handbook

What's left of Bruce Gradkowski's fifteen minutes

A change in social attitudes towards terrycloth robes as acceptable on-the-town evening wear and...

A lock of Jeff Fisher's mustache hair

Now on with the matchups....
Thursday Night Steelers at Browns- The Steelers four game losing streak proves, among other things, that without a doubt their most indispensible player is Troy Polamalu. Take his athleticism and football IQ off the field and even pedestrian offenses like the Chiefs and Raiders can score on them with the game on the line. If I were Mike Tomlin, until Polamalu returns, I think I'd have to slap a Samoan wig and a tinted face shield onto a backup safety just to confuse the opposing quarterback & get in his head for a couple of series. If he were to do that against the Browns, he could probably create a good deal of confusion for at least the entire first half. Am I saying that Brady Quinn is stupid? Maybe. Am I saying that during games he often has the same look on his face as people do right before Ashton Kutcher jumps out to let them know they've been Punk'd? Yes I am. Pick: Steelers, 24 - 13

Sunday Saints at Falcons- Watching the Saints beat the Patriots a couple weeks ago, I was amazed by how much noise Saints fans can make now that they're not wearing bags over their heads. Watching Falcons fans cheer their former and Eagles current quarterback Mike Vick last week, I was amazed by how quickly people forgive their heroes for doing unspeakable things. Watching MTV's new show The Jersey Shore, I was amazed by how inclined I (would feel if I were single) felt to want to put a bag over J-Woww‘s head and unspeakable things to her.



Pick: Falcons, 28 -27

Broncos at Colts- A bronco is defined as An untrained or partially trained horse or pony of western North America. A colt is defined as A male horse of not more than four years of age. So a bronco could be a colt. And a colt could be a bronco. A colt could also be a charger (A horse trained for battle; a cavalry horse), but a bronco could not be a charger. Although I suppose you could train a bronco to be a charger. It's like one of those questions you'd find on some aptitude test. Anyway, what I wanted to prove but didn't was that the Broncos are not like the Colts (undefeated) although they were just like them (undefeated) just a few weeks ago. So can Kyle Orton lead the Broncos in putting an end to the Colts perfect run? No. Can Elvis Dumervil and Champ Bailey lead the Broncos in putting an end to the Colts perfect run? Yes. And is it ironic, given the aforementioned hippological definitions, that Reggie Wayne is a Colt and Brandon Marshall is a Bronco? No, it's not ironic, it's simple appropriate. Pick: Broncos, 23 -21

Bills at Chiefs- If you invented a device that could measure a person's level of excitement, hooked me up to it and presented me with 50-yard line tickets to this game, within seconds you'd be checking the device's batteries to see why it didn't seem to be working. Pick: Bills, 20 - 16

Lions at Ravens- It seemed like each time ESPN gave us a sideline shot of Joe Flacco on Monday night, he had this look on his face of a teenage boy who'd just gotten his driver's license and proceeded to accidentally back over the family dog. On the flip side, Matthew Stafford is carrying himself like he's the 2008 version of Joe Flacco- confident and hungry, flinging the ball down the field and trying to make a statement. This could be a dangerous game for Baltimore. They're coming off of a short week and if Ed Reed's still out, they have a group of DBs that Calvin Johnson could eat for lunch. And despite the Lions unmentioned shortcomings, they're playing with a hunger in their belly, unlike the Ravens who are playing like they just gobbled down a plate of bad oysters.



Pick: Lions, 20 -14

Dolphins at Jaguars- Quite possibly the Most Intriguing Game of the week. Here we have two teams who've each quietly gotten themselves into serious wildcard contention. The fact that Jack Del Rio has the Jags at 7-5 with nothing more than MJD as a viable weapon just increases his stock as a head coach, not to mention what it does for my buddy Johnny B's man-crush on him. And the fact that the Fish are winning and beating the Patriots without Ronnie Brown shows me that Coach Sporano's mustache is beginning to develop Jeff Fisher-like powers. It's a battle of running games, a battle for a wildcard spot, a battle for Florida, and it's a special Sunshine State edition of Cheerleader Posedown Time!




Pick: Dolphins, 24 - 17

Jets at Buccaneers- J! - E! - T! - S! Suck!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!! B! - U! - C! - S! Suck Even More!!! Pick: Jets, 20 -10

Bengals at Vikings- You know, if Brett Favre would've stayed with the Falcons, he could've been the first active player to ever wear his own throwback jersey. Dude's in his 40's. I'm in my 40's. I don't know how he does it. If I carry my one year old around too much or sleep in the wrong position, I'm applying heating pads and popping Advil like their Tic Tacs. Here's hoping he hit The Wall last week in Arizona and pulls out one of his patented four-INT games this Sunday.



Pick: Vikings, 24 - 16 (I said hoping, not expecting)

Packers at Bears- My buddy Squints is in pretty bad shape right now. He's got the H1N1, he's recovering from hip surgery, has a pinched nerve in his neck, an exposed filling, and a raging case of herpes. But despite all of his maladies, he still feels better than your average Bears fan right about now. I'm kidding, he doesn't have a pinched nerve. That's another buddy, Pete. He's a Bears fan who hurt his neck by banging it repeatedly into his coffee table a couple Sundays ago. Now sure, the Bears won last week but it was against the Rams and a banged-up Stephen Jackson who was playing with an injured back and still managed to rush for a buck twelve against them, so I don't think that really qualifies as much of a win. What's really got to be making Bears fans feel most ill is the play of Jay Cutler. They gave away high future draft picks for this guy plus gave him a big new contract which would kill their cap if they gave him away anytime soon. They must feel like a dude who's married a girl for her looks and family fortune alone, only to wake up on the honeymoon to find that she used to be a man and her dad had all of his money invested with some broker named Madoff. Yeah, it's probably like that. Pick: Packers, 24 -17

Panthers at Patriots- The strategery of Bill Belichick is suddenly as perplexing as the Snickers ad campaign. It's like he's trying to be clever by being stupid thereby thinking that he's not being stupid but being clever because he's doing it on purpose. When he's going against the laws of common sense by gambling on these fourth down situations, I half expect to see him turn to the camera and hold up a Snickers bar with Nougaty England Patriots printed on the wrapper.



Pick: Patriots, 37 - 20

Seahawks at Texans- Easily the most meaningless game of the week. No playoff implications, no top-five draft pick implications, no compelling players to watch unless Andre Johnson comes back out of hiding.... It's just, bleh. Although they could make it nice & Christmassy if the Hags would don their Ecto Cooler green jerseys and the Texans would sport their Battle Reds. Pick: Texans, 27 - 23

Skins at Shirts (Raiders)- The Skins are now playing closer to the team I thought they'd be coming into this season thanks to a strong defense and some improved play from Jason Campbell and the Raiders have now won two of their last three, posting last-second victories over both the Bengals and the Steelers. The hero of both of those wins was rookie wideout Louis Murphy. That kid looks impressive. Unlike fellow rookie Raider wideout Darius Heyward-Bey, Murphy seems to "get it". I'd go so far as to call him a bourgeoning star. Normally when you hear the words "bourgeoning star", it's followed by "in the adult film industry" but I'm going to use it here. He made two big catches including the go-ahead touchdown on the Raiders final drive against Cincinnati, and he made two catches in traffic plus the game-winner on their final drive in Pittsburgh. The kid just seems to have a knack for being able to deliver the money shot. Sorry. Okay, now I feel kinda icky. Pick: Skins, 14 - 13 Speaking of shirts, skins, etc. How about a quick pick-me-up before we hit the home stretch?



You're welcome.

Rams at Titans- The Rams are getting outscored by an average of almost 15 points per game and are 28th in the league defending the run. That slobbering sound you're hearing is Chris Johnson. Johnson already has over 1500 yards rushing, nine touchdowns, and has three touchdown runs of over 85 yards this season. To put that in perspective, he's on a pace to become just the fourth running back in NFL history to go over 2,000 yards rushing in a single season and those three TD runs of over 85 yards this season, well, no other back has more than three of those for a career. He's undoubtedly made himself next season's #1 fantasy pick, joining other undisputed #1 fantasy picks such as Albert Pujols, LeBron James, and Megan Fox.



Pick: Titans, 28 - 14

Chargers at Cowboys- The Wade Phillips Farewell Tour: A December to Not Remember heads back to the Big D. With upcoming games against the Chargers, Saints, Redskins and Eagles to finish them off, I'm suspecting at some point in early January, Jerry Jones' secretary is going to be placing a call to get him in for Botox treatment on a few new wrinkles and frown lines.



Pick: Chargers, 27 - 20

Sunday Night Eagles at Giants- If Dallas loses and the Giants win this one, we've got ourselves a 3-way tie in the NFC East with three weeks to go. Philly destroyed the Giants 40 - 17 back in Week 8, notching some explosive plays and averaging over 8 yards per play on offense. Also, a couple weeks ago I mentioned that The Andy Reid Farewell Tour had officially commenced and to mark it down that you "heard it here first". Well, it just was reported today that Reid has signed a three year extension with the Eagles. The lesson here, as always- I'm an idiot. Pick: Eagles, 23 - 20

Monday Night Cardinals at Niners- Time for this week's pop quiz... For those of you who have been paying attention, which of the following statements is most accurate? a) Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell! b) Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to hell! c) Damn the Niners! Damn them straight to hell! d) I'm a bitter grudge-holder and still haven't gotten over Super Bowls XVI and XVIII e) Screw you, don't you judge me Answer: all of the above Pick: Cardinals, 23 - 16

 

So as I sit here on this Tuesday night, word from the Bengals website is that their 50-game sellout streak is in serious jeopardy this Sunday with over 6,000 seats still remaining. If you're in charge of the Bengals ticket sales, I'd imagine you have to be scratching at what's left of your hair right about now. You've got a rare quality product to work with and yet if it wasn't for Browns fans, Bears fans, Kroger, Motorola, and Ochocinco, you'd have four blackouts on your resume and staring down the distinct possibility of two more.

You could blame the economy but, pardon the pun, that'd be a poor excuse. First of all, if the economy was primarily to blame, then it'd be your fault for not getting ahead of it and lowering the face value of the tickets before the season began in order to hit an appropriate price point. Secondly, if the economy was primarily to blame, then how do you explain the ease by which teams are selling out in comparative or even smaller markets such as Kansas City, Charlotte, and Baltimore, all of whom have an inferior product to yours right now? The problem isn't the economy (not entirely) and it's not your product. The problem is the perception of your product. The way I see it, you've got a high percentage of your client base that looks at an 8-3 record and envisions an 8-8 finish.

So what do you do to create excitement for upcoming games against the pitiful Lions and hapless Chiefs? Do you play up the idea of being at PBS for a possible division-clinching victory? Do you get the message out through players and coaches that they "need" a packed house to help inspire them to victory? Do you put one hand behind your back, fingers crossed, and take out an ad thanking your loyal fans for their support, extolling the accomplishments of this year's team, and inviting fans to come join in more of the fun? Do you do nothing, save a little cash, and hope that the product sells itself? Do you do nothing and hope that another corporate sponsor puts on a tiger-striped cape and flies in to the rescue? What do you do? What can you do? What would Don Draper do?

Don would likely light up a Lucky Strike, call in the boys to kick around some ideas, end the meeting , pour himself an Old Fashioned, then head out for a midday extramarital encounter before getting hit by a bolt of inspiration on his drive home. My guess is that his solution would have something to do with selling a balance of every man's desire to be free & unencumbered with his desire to feel like he's where he's meant to be. In a sense, that PBS needs to be the Cheers bar. If you're not there, you're missing out on something. And even if you're at home, you're not really at home because PBS is where you're meant to be. Maybe he'd come up with a television spot showing a man in his late thirties sitting on his leather couch in front of his big flat-screen high def television, watching the game in comfort when he suddenly gets a call on his cell phone. He looks down at his phone to see a picture message of his buddies, sent by them from the game he's currently watching. The camera zooms in on the picture, then into the picture, taking us to the game, right there next to his buddies. We see the Bengals score a touchdown, hear the roar of the crowd, get high-fived by our pals, there are a couple of attractive women in the row in front of us for good measure, people are jumping and hollering, music's blaring, the "Who Dey!" cheer starts to rise, and just as it becomes clear to the viewer that this is an experience you just can't get from the comfort and convenience of your living room, a graphic appears subtly near the bottom of the scene displaying the date of the next home game, it then dissolves and is quietly replaced by the phone number and web address to purchase your tickets. You're comfortably stuck at home watching it; your buddies are there, living it.

I'm obviously not an ad man and a real ad man would surely poke several holes in that idea but what I'm getting at is that the Bengals need to create an excitement that for some reason isn't there right now. And that excitement has to be stirred in the segment of their fan base that is finding it not worth the expense to leave the comfort of their climate-controlled man caves complete with high def 47-inch high def flat screen LG LED televisions (yes, I finally pulled the trigger on one), comfortable couches, a no-wait line for the bathroom, and cheap beer in the no-wait line at the fridge. These are potential customers who can afford your tickets but could probably better afford not to buy your tickets. The goal each season is to convince these potential customers to buy season tickets, or at least a ticket package of some kind, but with two home games remaining, the task at hand is to get this group just to come out to a game. Normally an 8-3 record would be enough to create the excitement, but not this year.

Four years ago, the Bengals were also 8-3 at this point in the season and this town was going out of its collective mind. Bootsy Collins was writing Bengals songs and making videos, people were flying Bengals flags and painting their mailboxes orange & black, Bengals merchandise was the must-have gift for Christmas, I even remember a store opening up down in Colerain that sold nothing but Bengals items, and it was constantly packed. This year, not so much. So what's different? That ‘05 team had Chad Johnson unveiling a new end zone antic every Sunday, their other wide receiver had a cool name and a long pony tail, Carson Palmer was putting up huge passing numbers, they had a running back with a chant-friendly name (Ruuu-di!, Ruuu-di!), and Marvin Lewis was still in his honeymoon period around here. This year's team has a fairly muted Chad Ochocinco flanked by some workmanlike receivers, Carson hands the ball off more than he throws it, their featured running back is a quiet guy named Cedric, and Marvin's now got his fair share of skeptics. Maybe that's the reason for the lack of excitement. Maybe this team isn't exciting enough.

I've always been told that we're a lunch pail sort of town that likes the player who isn't afraid to get his uniform dirty, the player who always gives 110%, the player who just goes about his business and produces without a lot of flash and self-promotion. We prefer workmanlike to glitz and glam. That's what I've always been told but that's not what I've ever believed. Who was the most popular player on the Big Red Machine? Pete Rose. And who was more blue-collar than Pete, right? True, but Pete's very nature of being hard-nosed and being the uber-hustler made him into something he probably never intended to be; it made him a spectacle. "Hey kids, let's go see Pete Rose. He's that guy who runs to first base after a walk and dives head first into bases!" Who was the most popular player on the Bengals '81 Super Bowl team? Chris Collinsworth, the shaggy-haired "Aw shucks" skirt-chasing wideout with the nickname "Cadillac". Who was the most popular player on the Reds wire-to-wire championship team in 1990? I'll argue it wasn't Barry Larkin or Eric Davis that season, it was Chris Sabo. Sure, he was gritty-gutty and hard-nosed but he also wore goggles, was nicknamed "Spuds", and was always good for a quote. And don't forget about the Nasty Boys. They were as sideshow as a bullpen has ever been. What about the Bengals '89 Super Bowl team? For some it was Krumrie but for most it was Boomer or Icky. Do I even need to go into why they support my claim?

The ‘70's Reds had superstars, the '90 Reds had Sabo and the Nasty Boys, the Bengals Super Bowl teams have had not only Collinsworth and Boomer and Icky, but also the so-mad-his-head-was-about-to-explode Forrest Gregg and the space age offensive stylings of the not-so-microphone-shy Sam Wyche. Those teams were entertaining. This 2009 Bengals team is workmanlike. They run the ball, they play tough defense, they control the clock, and they don't mind winning games while only scoring sixteen points. When the Bengals were bounced from the playoffs four years ago, all I kept hearing was "If we only had a good defense...", "If we only had more balance on offense...", "If only this team were mature enough to win the close games...". So now we have a team which possesses those qualities along with an 8-3 record and we could be looking at a nationally embarrassing blackout this Sunday. If this town is what it has always claimed it is, the tickets will get sold without a corporate bailout and the blackout will be averted. If this town is not what it claims it is, then the Bengals marketing department had better find a way to create some excitement out of this "boring" team and move some tickets. I don't have any skin in the game but I certainly hope that the fan base steps up to the plate. I hope that enough step up and decide that they want to be where the action is, soaking in the possible history of the moment, being the buddies that send the picture message from PBS instead of the guy sitting on his couch receiving it. I hope they do because if so, I'll be that guy sitting on the couch saving my money and watching it in crystal-clear high def. Now, on with the matchups....

Thursday Night Jets at Bills (in Toronto)- Congratulations Torontonians, you get the esteemed privilege of acting as the home crowd for the fantastically awesome Bills of Buffalo whilst exposing your beautiful city to an unruly and unsavory group of traveling Jets fans and a pissed-off group of jealous Buffalonians. If I were you, I'd cover everything you can in plastic and move your wallets to a front pocket. This is like the cool kids in school convincing the new kid to throw a party knowing all along that they're not going to show up but instead spread word of the party to all the band geeks and shop class stoners.



Pick: Jets, 23 - 13

Sunday Texans at Jaguars- Speaking of blackouts, it looks like this will be blackout #6 for the Jags this season. You know, instead of fighting it, they may as well just go ahead and embrace, you know, accept it as a way of their football existence down there. Why not just make every home game from now on a "BLACKOUT" game? The team wears their alternate all-black uniforms, fans are encouraged to dress in black, and all the music played over the loudspeakers is either from AC/DC's Back in Black album, the Beatle's Black Album, Metallica's Black Album, Jay-Z's Black Album, or anything by the Black Crowes, Black Flag, or Johnny Cash. Honorary captains could include Jack Black, Clint Black, Lewis Black, Ritchie Blackmore, or any black guy of your choosing. They could send the vendors around with black coffee and Blackjack gum, and the crowd could assemble in groups contemplating death and discussing such topics as Goth art and biker fashion amidst the backdrop of the game. Again, I'm not in marketing per-se so this may not be a good idea. I'm just spitballing here. Pick: Texans, 24 - 23

Eagles at Falcons- This nice little battle between NFL Wildcard hopefuls will be missing some firepower. Atlanta will have to play without Matt Ryan and also possibly Michael Turner with turf toe and a high ankle sprain, respectively. Philly will also likely have to go without a key offensive player as DeSean Jackson is questionable after being concussed last week. I've had more than a few injuries in my day but I've never had any of those three. I'm guessing the turf toe would be the worst. From what I've seen, anytime they name an injury after the thing that caused it, it's not pretty- road rash, chemical burn, bullet wound, self-gratification elbow.... all not good to be afflicted with. Pick: Eagles, 23 - 17

Buccaneers at Panthers- The bad news for Carolina is that Jake Delhomme has a broken finger on his throwing hand and may miss this one. This good news for Carolina is that Jake Delhomme has a broken finger on his throwing hand and may miss this one. Pick: Panthers, 23 - 20

Rams at Bears- It's Kyle Boller and the Rams vs Jay Cutler and the Bears. I'm setting the Over/Under on interceptions at 6. ...For the Rams. ...And 6 for the Bears. What I'm saying is a total of 12 interceptions. The good money's on the Over. The good money's also on this being one of the few remaining stops for The Lovie Smith Farewell Tour. Upcoming dates will include stops in Baltimore, Detroit, and repeat performances in Chicago. Plenty of good seats are still available. Pick: Bears, 24 - 13

Lions at Bengals- Cincinnati's defense is ranked #1 in points allowed, averaging just 16 per game. Detroit's dead last in points allowed, averaging almost 31. Cincinnati has the #7 rushing attack, averaging 135 yards per game. Detroit ranks #25 in running the ball, averaging just 95 yards per game. Playing tough defense and being able to run the ball is a winning formula for December. Sorry Detroit. Also a winning formula for December: rophenol-spiked egg nog and a van without rear windows. I'm kidding. I don't do that anymore. Now I'm into wooing the ladies around the holidays with vodka-influenced cider, a faux Irish accent, and a little Johnny Mathis mood music.



Pick: Bengals, 31 - 16

Patriots at Dolphins- After each of the Patriots first three losses this season, they've followed them up with wins in which they've allowed opponents an average of just 8 points per game. Unfortunately for the Dolphins, the Patriots fourth loss was this past Monday night. The Pats are masters at the art of bounce back wins and getting themselves primed for vengeance. You could say they've been the Steven Seagal of the NFL.



Pick: Patriots, 34 - 20

Titans at Colts- Ho-ly crap. Don't look now but the Titans are back from the dead and on a rampage. Hell, they were not only dead, they were buried twenty feet deep, tied up with duct tape and encased in cement. If they go from 0-6 to 10-6 and knock off the undefeated Colts along the way, Jeff Fisher deserves Coach of the Year, an Oscar, an Emmy, an ESPY, a Grammy, a Pulitzer Prize, an AVN award for best porn ‘stache, and Obama should hand him his Nobel Peace Prize thingy. Pick: Colts, 34 - 20

Broncos at Chiefs- Despite winning two of their last three, KC still has the league's 27th ranked offense and 28th ranked defense. Meanwhile, the Donkeys seem to have turned things around since their four-game losing streak. As a side note, the Chiefs will be retiring the late linebacker Derrick Thomas' #58 jersey during the game. That's a good move. Also a good move would be to retire Chiefette Carol's uniform. Just take it off of her right there on the field and hang it on the façade. Can I get a second show of hands on that one? Thank you. By the way, are they called Chiefettes? Anybody know for sure? I could Google it but I won't. If they're not the Chiefettes, they should be. Or they should just be referred to collectively as The Squaw. Speaking of squaw, it's Cheerleader Posedown Time!



Pick: Broncos, 30 - 16

Raiders at Steelers- So let me get this straight; the Steelers doctors told ROFLsberger not to play last week and Coach Tomlin told ROFLsberger he wasn't to play last week because of the concussion he suffered the week before, BUT they suited him up anyway and had him active just in case Dennis Dixon were to get injured during the game. Did I get that right? Really? In other words, we're not going to let you play because we don't want to risk your health but we do want you to risk your health if our other quarterback gets knocked out of the game? You'd think that Coach Tomlin would better know how to handle these situations given the time he's spent working with Dr. House.



Pick: Steelers, 31 - 9

Shirts (Saints) at Skins- After witnessing the Saints complete domination of the Patriots on Monday night, I'm ever more convinced that Drew Brees has somehow been instilled with artificial intelligence along with enhanced vision and decision-making skills not possessed by other humans. I don't know if he was involved in a close encounter of the fourth kind or if he's got a deal with the devil that my sources haven't gotten wind of yet, but something is going on there. If I'm the Skins, I'm calling in the Haitian from Heroes to stand on my sideline and dampen his powers.



Pick: Saints, 28 - 16

Chargers at Browns- I just read this matchup out loud and it made me think of Charlie Brown. And when I think of Charlie Brown and football, I think of him falling on his can when Lucy pulls the ball away as he's trying to kick it. This Sunday, the Chargers will be playing the role of Lucy and the Browns will, obviously, be playing the role of Charlie Brown. And while I'm on the subject, you ever notice how the other Peanuts characters never call him Charlie? They always use his full name. "Hey there, Charlie Brown."... "What's the matter, Charlie Brown?".... "You're a blockhead, Charlie Brown.".... "Hey, get off of my gin & tonic, Charlie Brown!" I could see them referring to him that way with one another if there was another Charlie in the group but he's the only Charlie. And they all call him by both names to his face. Weird. Except for Peppermint Patty, she just calls him Chuck. And what's the story with the "Peppermint" moniker? Was "peppermint" code for "lesbian" back in the day? Is it code now? If not, we should really get that established.



Pick: Chargers, 28 - 10

Cowboys at Giants- The Giants have been performing like an off-brand microwave whose warranty has just expired. The good news for them is that Tony Romo and the Cowboys are up next, and it's December. Since '06 the ‘Boys are 5-10 in December and Romo's thrown 19 interceptions to just 14 touchdowns on his way to a 71.9 passer rating. So is it something about him playing in the month of December or is it something about the pressure on him of playing in the last month of the season? I can't say I know the answer to that question with 100% certainty but if I were Wade Phillips, I'd, well, first I'd lose some weight, and I'd be tempted to sneak a couple bennies into Romo's water bottle. Pick: Cowboys, 24 - 20

Niners at Seahawks- Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell! Pick: Seahawks, 27 - 17

Vikings at Cardinals- Kurt Warner is out again with lingering vision problems stemming from the concussion he suffered a couple weeks ago. That's too bad because I think with him, this game had the chance to be a wild west kind of shootout on Sunday night. Now it'll likely be nothing more than a bunch of outlaws ambushing an undefended stagecoach. Am I saying that the Vikings are a bunch of outlaws? No. Am I saying that the Cardinals are an undefended stagecoach? No, not really. I don't really know what I'm saying. I guess I just like Westerns.



Pick: Vikings, 31 - 17

Monday Night Ravens at Packers- Seems like the only group of guys easier to get past than Obama's Secret Service is the Packers offensive line. They're now up to a staggering 44 sacks allowed this season. Pick: Ravens, 24 - 23

 

Thanksgiving's a strange name for a holiday, isn't it? I'm not sure why, probably because it's one of those compound words with a verb in it, like bloodletting or bedwetting. Maybe it should be called Pilgrims and Indians Power Lunch Day, or I Can't Believe I'm Actually Related to These People Day, or maybe just officially go ahead and simply change it to Turkey Day. Better yet, let's keep it real and call it what it really is- Socially Acceptable Gluttony Day. Yes!

It is what it is and we are what we are. And what we are is a self-absorbed, gluttonous nation with a desperate need to constantly be entertained. No, not all of us. Just me. And everyone else I know. Thanksgiving brings this self absorption, gluttony, and entertainment to the table simultaneously like no other holiday can. You spend most of the day embellishing your accomplishments for the year, surrounded by more food than you could possibly eat, drinking for free, watching football and placing side bets on whether great Uncle Ed's dentures are going to fall out as he valiantly takes on yet another ear of buttered corn on the cob. It's honestly just some bright lights and a bunny ranch away from having your own little Vegas vacation right in the comfort of your own home. String up some Christmas lights, make sure cousin Billy invites his stripper/junior college student baby's mama, log onto an offshore gambling site and suddenly you've reached "What happens in the living room, stays in the living room" Level.

And this year it's again extended by another three hours or so. That's right, thanks to the good people at The NFL Network, we again have a Turkey Day Tripleheader! And it's not just one more football game (which in and of itself would be fantastic enough). No, it's not only the added game that's got me excited, it's the extension of the day and the amount of time that families will feel obligated to spend with one another. Sure it's just three more hours, but those three extra hours, at the end of an evening of too much food and too much alcohol, exponentially increases the potential for all sorts of good stuff to happen. And by "good stuff" I of course mean things that can ruin family dynamics and cause wills to be changed.

It's three more hours that Aunt Sally has to hold her tongue about Aunt Mildred's dry stuffing. Three more hours than Uncle Pete has to keep from dropping an A-bomb in the only downstairs bathroom. Three more hours for cousin Randy to hold off the urge to sneak away & light up a doobie out in the garage. Three more hours for Uncle Frank to resist the urge to whack ultra-opinionated Uncle Ned in the head with one of Grandma's brass candlesticks. Three more hours for cousin Derek and half-cousin Amy to keep their newfound sexual relationship a secret. And three more hours for everyone to try and keep themselves from calling out Aunt Mildred, Uncle Pete, Cousin Randy, Uncle Frank, Uncle John, Cousin Derek, and Half-Cousin Amy as being, respectively, a bad cook, a stanky ******, a drug addict, a violent drunk, a ******, and a couple of borderline in-breeders. Odds are, somebody's gonna crack.

Yep, it very well could happen. And if it does, a magical thing will occur; Memories will be created. That's what the holidays are all about, aren't they? Creating memories to share and last a lifetime? And if no one cracks? Well, then we'll just have to settle for three more hours of getting to know one another a little bit better. Maybe share a few extra laughs, share some knowledge, lend a compassionate ear, offer some kind words, or maybe re-tell some forgotten stories. Either way it's a win-win. Plus, if you don't feel like all that touchy-feely stuff, you can just mix in a few sleeping pills with the tryptophan, chase 'em with some Wild Turkey, and drift off while watching that extra football game.

Happy Socially Acceptable Gluttony Day!

Now, on with the matchups....

Packers at Lions- I'm thankful for four main things: my family, my friends, my health, and that I don't reside in Detroit. The Packers, like the Vikings and Bears, are thankful that the Lions reside in the NFC North. The Lions defense is allowing a staggeringly awful average of 30 points per game this season. They're allowing more people in their end zone than Adam Lambert vacationing at the Key West Pridefest. Vaseline anyone?



Pick: Packers, 34 - 24

Raiders at Cowboys- If they don't crack double digits this week, it may be time to go ahead and put a picture of the Cowboys offense on the side of a milk carton. Pick: Cowboys, 24 - 16

Giants at Broncos- Over their first six games, Denver went 6-0 and allowed a total of just 66 points. Since their bye week, the Donkeys have gone 0-4 and allowed 117 points. This is the type of sudden decline in performance usually only seen with women after vows are exchanged and factory workers after signing a union contract. Pick: Giants, 19 - 10

Dolphins at Bills- Well look who decided to come down from his room and join the party. T.O. finally earned his keep, putting up 190-something yards receiving last week. ....And the Bills still lost. That's a shame. Not for T.O. Screw T.O. It was a shame for interim coach Perry Fewell who saw what would've been his first win as an NFL head coach slip away in the final minute. I like Fewell when he was fronting Jane's Addiction and I'll quietly root for him while he's in charge in Buffalo. COMIN' DOWN THE MOUNTAIN! Good luck this week, Perry. I think you're gonna need it- your boys are #31 defending the run and the Wildcat is coming to town. What's that? Farrell? Will Farrell? Will Farrell wasn't in Jane's Addiction. Perry Farrell? Who? Oh. Oooooh, okay.



Pick: Dolphins, 27 - 17

Buccaneers at Falcons- If you watch the Bills and think to yourself, "Man, these guys couldn't stop a blind three-legged turtle.", just turn the channel to the Succaneers and you'll think to yourself, "Man, these guys couldn't stop a blind one-legged turtle with a social anxiety disorder." And if you watch a re-airing of Sunday nights American Music Awards, you'll think to yourself, "Man, that Lady Gaga sure looks like the malnourished two-legged, shell-less unholy spawn of Edgar Winter, Liza Minnelli and an unwilling snapping turtle." Yes, I know, I have issues. Whatevs.



Pick: Falcons, 30 - 16

Skins at Shirts (Eagles)- The Jim Zorn Farewell Tour heads to Philly! Pick: Eagles, 20 - 13

Seahawks at Rams- It's our Tryptophan Game of the Week! Seriously, this matchup could quickly put even the most hardcore methamphetamine addict into a deep coma. Pass the gravy. Pick: Seahawks, 24 - 13

Panthers at Jets- How do you think Rex Ryan eats his Thanksgiving turkey? White meat first? Dark meat first? With stuffing? Without stuffing? Personally, I think he eats it like the dog on Tom & Jerry- holding it by a leg, he wraps his jowls and big ****** choppers around it & pulls the whole thing clean off the bone, then sticks out his tongue and licks his whole face clean. J! - E! - T! - S! Suck! SUCK! SUCK!! Pick: Panthers, 17 - 16

Browns at Bengals- If last Sunday in Oakland proved anything, it's that the Bengals offense without Cedric Benson is like Benson without Robert Guillaume. It's just a scary German maid, a bumbling governor, a pompous Englishman, and a little blonde girl with pigtails making a mess in the kitchen. Lucky for the Bengals, the Browns offense with Brady Quinn is about as imposing as Bobby Brady wearing his hall monitor arm band. God, I watched too much tv as a kid. That reminds me, it wouldn't be a proper Thanksgiving in Cincinnati be without revisiting this clip....



You're welcome. Pick: Bengals, 30 - 16

Colts at Texans- A couple weeks ago, the Texans outplayed the Colts but let them escape up in Indy. Now the Texans are reeling and the Colts are still undefeated, finding ways to eke out wins each week. Will Matt Schaub & Co. get revenge in Houston? Will Peyton and his posse remain undefeated? Find out this Sunday on a very special episode of Colts vs Texans. Pick: Texans, 30 - 27

Chiefs at Chargers- Chiefs.... Chargers.... They both begin with a "Ch". You know what else begins with a "Ch"? Chuck E. Cheese, Chester Cheetah, Charlie Chan, and Cheerleader Posedown Time!




Pick: Chargers, 31 - 17

Jaguars at Niners- Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to hell! Pick: Niners, 23 - 21

Bears at Vikings- I hope Chicago still has the store receipt for Jay Cutler. If they're lucky, they'll be permitted to return him for a store credit or something of equal or lesser current value, like Rex Grossman or a bag of Funyuns.



Pick: Vikings, 24 - 16

Cardinals at Titans- My sources are just now getting me some details on Vince Young's alleged deal with the devil. Young gets his starting job back and a half a season of All-Pro caliber play in exchange for his soul, his first born, one of his autographed University of Texas jerseys, and hidden camera footage of Jeff Fisher trimming his stuffing duster and humming the theme to Magnum, P.I.





Pick: Titans, 26 - 24

Steelers at Ravens- Big Ben suffered concussion-like symptoms last week in KC. Now he has to recover in time to try and play against the Ravens this Sunday. Going into Baltimore and trying to play with a head injury is like climbing into a roller coaster with a case of the squirts. It can only end two ways: messy and embarrassing. Pick: Ravens, 20 - 10

Monday Night Patriots at Saints- The Saints are trying to stay undefeated, the Pats are gunning for a first round bye, it's Brees vs Brady, Belichick trying to redeem himself after the Indy debacle, etc, etc, etc. But what I'm really thinking about when I think of "Boston" and "Saints" this week is the limited release of Boondock Saints II. After ten long years, the McManus brothers are back! If you've never seen the first one, shame on you, and yes, you can borrow it.



Pick: The Saints are comin'! Saints, 30 - 27

So exactly when did this country lose its edge? When Obama was elected? When the Cold War ended? When Kennedy was assassinated? When David Lee Roth left Van Halen? There have been dozens of events which have helped to dull the blade but the real work has likely been done quietly by a toxic mixture of consumer lawsuits, political correctness, and a recently acquired collective sense of entitlement. This country now imports more than it exports. We're increasingly providing service more than we're providing product. And we've got more people hoping, no, expecting, to be handed a kettle of fish instead of being shown how to craft their own fishing pole. The overwhelming majority of our populace wants to be protected, taken care of, coddled, and told that everything's going to be okay. America used to be a wiry young dude on a motorcycle, loud & proud, wind in his hair, out on the open road looking for opportunity and ready for trouble. Now we've become a nation of five year old girls riding our two-wheel birthday presents with training wheels locked on tight while sporting protective helmets, knee pads, elbow pads, shin guards, and a mouthpiece for good measure. And when we're done with our ride, you're damn right we expect to have a complimentary juice box and snack cake ready & waiting for us.

I spend my days dealing with people making financial decisions. Sometimes big financial decisions. Given the current state of the economy, those people, most people, aren't playing to win anymore but instead are playing not to lose. Do I blame them? Not really. It's human nature to circle the wagons when you've suffered losses. But if they continue to act in this fashion, they're going to lose. Hell, we'll all lose.

So what in the name of all that's red, white & blue does any of this have to do with football? Nothing, and everything, really. In case you hadn't noticed, football has not so quietly replaced baseball as America's pastime. It's tough, fast, and bold. It's strong young men matching wits and determination on an acre-plus of fertile land, acting as hard working pistons in a profit machine which, despite its internal socialistic revenue sharing, owes much of its success to the capitalistic plain over which it roams. America is football. Football is America. And football, like America, is losing some of its spirit. When the league's most decorated quarterback (ironically enough wearing a Patriot emblem on his helmet) is seen begging for a roughing call after being lightly bumped, well, it's disturbing. It's not his fault that roughing the passer rules include the grazing of a defensive players hangnail across a quarterback's helmet but it is his fault, his choice, to turn to the referee to throw a yellow voucher his way. And it's not just quarterbacks behaving this way. Can we even get through just one game, just one half anymore, without watching several plays where receivers act like they're reaching for and tossing up an imaginary flag in order to beg for an interference call? My Lord, these guys aren't allowed to be touched after five yards and are given every rules advantage in the world to get open and catch the ball unimpeded but when defended they act in such a fashion that you'd think they'd been mugged at gunpoint. Would James Dean, Clint Eastwood or Steve McQueen have responded this way? No, Hell no, and Are you f-ing kidding me?

The NFL makes no apologies for overprotecting its golden boys and will tell you that they're doing so for the sake of keeping its product top-notch. After all, they'll argue, who wants to see Jim Sorgi vs Brian Hoyer instead of Peyton Manning vs Tom Brady? True. They also do it because viewers generally prefer high-scoring games to defensive grinders. Also true. And it's also about protecting assets by protecting their highest-paid employees. What owner wants to watch $5o million in guaranteed payroll get carted off the field with a shredded knee? So I don't blame the NFL for the rules but that doesn't mean that I, or you, have to like them. After all, it's not our money. We want to see big hits. We want blindside snot bubblers. We want skeleton rattlers. We don't want to see cheap shots (I'm looking at you, Kimo) but we do want to see, and vicariously feel, the big hit on the other team's sniper after an afternoon of near-misses. We want to see which team's quarterback is man enough to get thumped and get back up. We want to see gunslingers racing out of the pocket when necessary and not giving themselves up with a slide. Back in the day, the quarterbacks couldn't , and wouldn't, slide. Ever remember seeing little Fran Tarkenton slide? No way. Dude would wriggle away from a half dozen would-be tacklers before getting slammed to the frozen Metropolitan Stadium dirt, then get right back up and get ready to scramble some more. Fran the Man, like most of his time, was wreckless and fearless. As much as I hate to admit it, that's much of the appeal of Big Ben. He's a throwback who basically says, "hit me, I don't care" and fights his way through it as best he can.

It's always been the American way, sporting a devil-may-care attitude, and it's mainly served us well. As Hans asked John McClane right before his demise in the first Die Hard, " ...who are you? Just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he's John Wayne? Rambo? Marshal Dillon?" John's smartass answer was something about always being partial to Roy Rogers and then Yippee Ki Yay something-something, but what he was thinking, what we were all thinking was, "Uh, yes." Hans didn't get it. And all of us Americans watching knew that his character didn't get it. I also think that 21 years later we've lost some of that. But, thankfully, I think it may be coming back.

They say that art imitates life and I mainly believe that to be true. More to the point, I believe that art often reflects social attitudes. Recently, at least in my little circle, art has been reflecting a comeback of the rebel mentality. In the season finale of Mad Men, Don convinces Roger, Burt and Lane to walk away from their cushy offices and stock options, to fire themselves and start over. On Sons of Anarchy, Jacks gets fed up with not being heard and announces that he's "going nomad". In the bookstores, Sarah Palin's bestseller is appropriately titled "Going Rogue". Say what you will about Palin but the mere fact that a hockey mom with little political experience can come down from Alaska and outdraw a lot of rock bands says something for the undercurrent that's rising.

This country has found itself in a malaise similar to this several times before, most recently after the JFK assassination, and has always shaken itself (or been shaken) out of it. I believe that the tea parties and town halls this past summer will go down as a harbinger of a shift in attitude. At least I hope so. And I hope the NFL changes, too. I'm not holding out hope that they'll change the rules on roughing or even the ticky-tack illegal contact nonsense but I am hoping that the players stop begging for the calls. I'm hoping that enough of them watch game film and start thinking that they look ridiculous. I'm hoping that they start thinking that their heroes wouldn't beg like that. John Wayne didn't beg. Hell, he didn't even say "sorry" because that was "a sign of weakness".

We need more Fran Tarkentons and Big Bens and fewer Tom Bradys. While we're at it, give me more Harry Trumans and Teddy Roosevelts and fewer Harry Reids and Lindsay Grahams. More Clint Eastwoods and Steve McQueens, fewer Toby McGuires and Jon Cryers. More Mad Men and Sons of Anarchy and fewer Dr. McDreamies. This is the United States of America, built by men who like their steak medium and tender and their heroes rare and tough. Keep our brand of football tough and it'll remain our past time. Start taking out too much of the danger and eventually the fans will start going "nomad".

Now, on with the matchups....

Thursday Night Dolphins at Panthers - Ronnie Brown is out of action with an ankle injury. Without him, the Wildcat is more like a nervous housecat with an intestinal disorder. On the bright side for Miami, Jake Delhomme has gone three straight games without throwing an interception so the law of averages would tell us that he's due to get picked about nine times this week. Pick: Jake Delhomme, four times.... Still, Panthers, 20 - 17

Steelers at Chiefs- When a bully gets his ****** handed to him, there are two ways he can respond after he picks himself up off the floor. He can take it out on the first person he sees, or he can lose his confidence and start doubting himself, walking away with his head hung low. Nothing funny there, just an observation. But I'll tell you something that is funny. You know what Roethlisberger means in German? I'm told that it's loosely translated as "beef that's tainted with the herpes". Hey, I admire him but that doesn't mean I like him. Pick: Steelers, 28 -13

Seahawks at Vikings- You know, there will be a game this year when Favre throws four or five interceptions and is making more ill-advised passes than Gary Busey at a wedding reception. It'll be a game they shouldn't lose but they will. Call me crazy but I kinda think that this will not be that game.



Pick: Vikings, 28 - 13

Bills at Jaguars- The Bills got their Dick chopped off on Tuesday. Owner Ralph Wilson, apparently tired of thinking with his Dick, fired head coach Dick Jauron after a 3-6 start to the season and a24-33 record after three-plus years at the helm. Was it all Jauron's fault. Nope. Did it need to be done? Probably. But personally, I think they got rid of the wrong ******.



Pick: Jaguars, 24 - 17

Falcons at Giants- Here we have two low but equally-stacked players going all-in against each other. Winner stays alive for the Wildcard, loser has to get up from the table and should probably just leave the casino altogether and go get a three-egg breakfast at Denny's. As we wait for the flop, the Falcons are holding three Jacks and looking for another or at least something that will give them a full house. The Giants have just a pair of Aces and have to pray for a ten of clubs to give them a straight flush. Okay, enough with the poker talk. Why didn't one of you stop me? That was nauseating. However, all that talk about stacks has put two glorious things on my mind....



Pick: Giants, 24 - 23

S kins at Shirts (Cowboys)- As the rest of the division scuffles, the Redskins look to continue their improbable rise to the top of the NFC East! Speaking of rising, I just took at the Redskins Cheerleaders new calendar. Talk about a stocking stuffer. Looks like they're also catching up to the Cowboys in the cheerleader department. Don't believe me; take a look for yourself.... It's Cheerleader Posedown Time!




Pick: Skins, 24 - 20

Saints at Buccaneers- Through their first four games, the Saints defense was giving up an average of 16 points. Over their last five games, they're allowing an average of 26 points. That's what we'd call a bad trend. Through their first seven games, the Bucs offense was averaging just 17 points. In the last two, since Josh Freeman became the starting quarterback, they're now averaging over 30 points per game. That's what we'd call a good trend. Through the first month of the season, I was averaging four Miller High Lifes on Sundays. Over the last six weeks, I'm averaging over nine Miller High Lifes on Sundays. That's what we'd call Living the High Life.



Pick: Saints, 31 -27

Browns at Lions- As soon as this game mercifully comes to its conclusion, Commissioner Goodell should just immediately walk to a podium placed at midfield and announce, "The (Cleveland Browns/Detroit Lions) are now on the clock." Pick: Tie, 3-3

Niners at Packers- Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell! Pick: Packers, 24 - 13

Cardinals at Rams- This matchup always confuses me. Maybe it's because the Cardinals used to be the St. Louis Cardinals. Maybe it's because there still is a team named the Cardinals in St. Louis. Maybe it's because Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner used to be St. Louis Rams quarterback Kurt Warner. Maybe it's because I'm easily confused and sometimes put into a trance by the swirling horn on the Rams helmets. What's not confusing is the key to this game. The Rams do one thing, and only one thing, well- handing the ball to Stephen Jackson. The Cards do a few things well and one of them is defending the run. If they bottle-up Jackson, it could get ugly. If they can't, it could be less ugly.



Pick: Cardinals, 31 - 16

Colts at Ravens- Like the Cardinals - Rams, this one also pits one team playing another team who resides in the city where the one team used to reside before they left for another city but for some reason didn't change their name. For some reason though, this one isn't as confusing for me. But one person who is confused is Joe Flacco. The last couple of weeks, he's looked as confused as Britney Spears watching a spelling bee (as a baby in a topless bar, as a blind lesbian in a fish market, as Keith Olbermann at an Ethics in Journalism seminar, as Nancy Pelosi at a balance-the-budget meeting, as my friend Johnny B trying to properly pronounce the word Chipotle...It's Chi-pote-lay, not Chi-pole-tay. The T comes before the L, people. Please make a note of it). Over the last two weeks, he (Flacco, not Johnny B) has thrown two picks, no touchdown passes, is averaging just 175 yards passing while leading the Ravens to just 17 offensive points. Maybe he needs a cilantro-laced burrito from the Ravens Chipotle Burrito Club to clear his mind.


Pick: Colts, 23 - 17

Jets at Patriots- You don't suspect Belichek is looking to take out his frustrations on anyone, do ya? And if that's not bad enough for the Jets, their defense is suddenly as easy to score on as Lindsay Lohan post coke-snort in the private party room of a bisexual dance club. Oh and I almost forgot.... J! - E! - T! - S! ... Suck! SUCK! SUCK!!



Pick: Patriots, 49 - 3

Bengals at Raiders- The Bengals have never won a game in Oakland. Never. Nine losses, zero wins. They're O for Oakland. In fact, the only time they've ever beaten the Raiders on the road was a 45 - 21 victory in Los Angeles in 1988 (the Bengals last Super Bowl season). Just in case there's some kind of curse going on here, I've recruited a witch doctor to settle the spirits. He tells me that he's gonna need the bark of a redwood tree, four live crabs, a case of Linekugel, an MC Hammer cd, and some of John Madden's eyebrow hair. Luckily, I have everything except for the redwood bark and he says we can use shavings off of my daughter's redwood-stained play set, so I think we're good to go. The incantation is going down in my backyard Saturday night at midnight if anyone wants to stop over. Pick: Bengals, 27 - 16

Chargers at Broncos- There's an old Chinese proverb that says, "When you riding three-game losing streak and have Chris Simms as quarterback, you now riding four-game losing streak." True dat. Pick: Chargers, 24 - 13

Eagles at Bears- Time for this week's pop quiz... Who was the last quarterback to not embarrass himself while wearing a Chicago Bears uniform? a) Brian Griese b) Rex Grossman c) Kyle Orton d) Kordell Stewart e) Jim Miller f) Cade McNown g) Rick Mirer h) Steve Walsh i) Jim Harbaugh j) Mike Tomczak k) Jim McMahon l) Vince Evans m) Sid Luckman n) Jeff Banks, a childhood friend of mine who sometimes wore a faded Gayle Sayers jersey when we played pickup games over at Bridgetown Fields. Answer: n) although if it had ever gone public that Jeff was using a performance-enhancing Pop Rocks-Mt. Dew mixture before games, the answer would've been m). Pick: Eagles, 23 - 14

Monday Night Titans at Texans- Titans owner Bud Adams was fined $250,000 for flipping off Bills fans multiple times near the end of the Titans 41-17 win last Sunday. Go ahead, read that sentence again. Here's his shining moment...



Crazy old country-fried coot. All he was missing was a white suit, a big cigar, and two bumbling sidekick deputies. So what's ol' Bud got in store for Texans fans on Monday night? He already flipped them off when he moved the Oilers to Tennessee twelve years ago, didn't he? My advice to him would be to lay low with Roscoe & Enos and watch this one from his office in the back room of the Boars Nest. Pick: Texans, 30 - 24

So, it seems that AMC set back my "To Do" list yet another week with the airing of The Godfather trilogy this past weekend. There are a few things, no matter how many times I've seen them, that always get me to stop and watch. That short list includes but is not limited to The Godfather I and II, Pulp Fiction, Almost Famous, Dumb & Dumber, any of the old Match Game reruns, Cheers reruns, and anything that includes either Kate Beckinsale or Salma Hayek (except Frida).

As I sat there on the sofa, flipping back & forth between GF I and the Giants - Chargers game, two things occurred to me: 1) a Chester's pizza would really compliment the situation quite nicely, and 2) both the film and the NFL season, as I was watching them each unfold in front of me, were at similar forks in the road with regards to their respective plot lines. On AMC, Michael Corleone was lamenting the near-fatal shooting of his father and getting humiliated with a right cross to the face by the police captain. At the same time on CBS, the Chargers were driving for a possible last-minute go ahead score and there were some very interesting final scores scrolling across the ticker. Up until this point, we'd been left to wonder whether Michael would join the family business or continue to stand fast and walk the road to legitimacy. And up until this point, we'd been left to wonder whether certain NFL teams, including the Chargers, were going to join the playoff race or continue to walk the road to mediocrity. A few seconds later, we got some answers.

While Michael assembles the inner circle (sans Don Vito) to advise them that he wants to kill Captain McCluskey and Virgil Sollozo, Phillip Rivers is delivering a bullet into the corner of the end zone to knock off the G-Men in their own house. Clearly, Michael and the Chargers both put themselves "in". And according to CBS' scrolling NFL ticker, the Bengals, Falcons, Cardinals, and later the Cowboys, had also made plans to tape a gun behind the toilet at Louis Restaurant. It wasn't the same story however for the Packers, Bears, Dolphins, Panthers, Niners and Ravens who all became as exposed as Fredo running his mouth at the donkey show. So now, with the exception of a couple remaining teams who are still a bit suspect, we know who to take seriously and who can be counted on to submissively bow and kiss the ring.

There are thirty two families in the NFL but only twelve of them will have a seat at the table eight weeks from now. And from the way it looks at the moment, there are sixteen fighting for those twelve seats. Let's go to the mattresses….

Bears at Niners- Loser of this one starts getting dirt shoveled on them. Winner gets a cake with "Congratulations but you still suck" iced on it. Too harsh? Did I mention that it's a urinal cake? Pick: Niners, 21 - 20

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Lions at Vikings- The Vikes had last week off and thus two whole weeks to prepare for Detroit. That's like giving the United States military two weeks to prepare for a skirmish with some Swedish radicals wielding snowballs and fish grenades.



Pick: Vikings, 35 - 17

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Shirts (Broncos) at Skins- That loud THUD! you heard on Monday night was the sound of the Broncos finally crashing back to earth. That horrible stench you smell is the Redskins offense. That hand you feel on your butt is mine. Sorry, I thought you were someone else. Wow, you must work out. You busy later?



Pick: Redskins, 20 - 17

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Bengals at Steelers- They said that the Bengals couldn't beat the Steelers in Week 3. They said that the Bengals couldn't beat the Ravens in Baltimore. They said that the Bengals couldn't overcome the loss of Antwan Odom. They said that the Bengals couldn't sweep the Ravens. They said that I couldn't eat a whole bag of Oreos, wash 'em down with a sixer of Miller High Life and not get sick. And now they're saying that the Bengals can't sweep the Steelers. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, mostly wrong, and we'll see. Who's "they"? Oh, "they" are Midge and Therese, the kindly old lesbian couple down the block. They make kickass peanut brittle and have an extensive Janis Joplin vinyl collection. Pick: Bengals, 24 - 20

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Falcons at Panthers- Just in case you didn't get the memo regarding just how important quarterbacks are in this league, did you happen to catch Falcons coach Mike Smith go all Woody Hayes when one of the opposing players hit Matt Ryan out of bounds last Sunday? I haven't seen a guy come to someone else's defense like that since George McFly told Biff to take his damn hands off of Lorraine. It was reported by the Falcons Radio Network that after the game, Coach Smith and Matty were seen slow dancing at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and sharing some "special moments" under the bleachers.





Pick: Falcons, 27 - 20

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Buccaneers at Dolphins- The Bucs got their first win last week and that rookie QB of theirs looked pretty poised. You know who else looks pretty poised? Their cheerleaders. It's Cheerleader Posedown Time!




Pick: Dolphins, 24 - 17

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Saints at Rams- The Rams are averaging 9.6 points per game. The Saints are averaging 37.9 points per game. You do the math. Er, wait, I did it for you. You owe me a pudding cup. Pick: Saints, 38 - 10

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Jaguars at Jets- J!- E! - T! - S! Suck, Suck!, SUCK!! Pick: Jags, 17 - 13

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Bills at Titans-

In other words, this game should be about as stimulating as a plate of turkey with a Nyquil chaser. What I mean is, this matchup should be as arousing as Rosie O'Donnell with a mouthful of creamed corn shaving her armpits. Okay, I'll stop. Pick: Titans, 20 - 17

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Chiefs at Raiders- The Chiefs released former Pro Bowl running back Larry Johnson this week for Tweeting that was detrimental to the team. Upon hearing the news and learning this could be cause for termination, 47 Raiders players, three coaches and two cheerleaders immediately opened their own Twitter accounts. Pick: Chiefs, 20 - 16

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Sackers (Cowboys) at Packers- If I was the Packers offensive coordinator, I think I'd have to tweak the game plan a little. First of all, I'd make sure that every pass play included a gurney and no less than two medical professionals nearby. They've now allowed 37 sacks and are facing a Dallas defense that has suddenly turned up the pressure, notching 10 sacks in their last three games. If Aaron Rodgers doesn't lose at least one vital organ this season, it'll only be due to divine intervention. But if he does, at least he'll still have his day job at The Office.



Pick: Cowboys, 24 - 16

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Seahawks at Cardinals- Back in Week 6, the Cards more or less broke into the Seahawks house, smacked ‘em around, stole their wallet and car keys, disrespected their mama and ran off with their lady. Arizona harassed Hasselbeck the entire afternoon, sacking him 5 times. They held the ball for over 42 minutes, allowed just 14 yards rushing and basically humiliated the Seahawks 27-3. Now Seattle is headed to the desert in search of a little payback. Unless they're packin' a new running game and some better corners, I think they're gonna wake up face down in the sand with nothing on but their Ecto-cooler green wrist bands. Pick: Cardinals, 30 - 17

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Eagles at Chargers- Two of the worst clock management coaches in the history of the league square off this Sunday in the whale's vagina and it's even odds on all of the following: One of the teams will let time expire while running up to spike the ball. One of the coaches will run out of challenges before the fourth quarter. Both coaches will lose at least one challenge. The trailing coach will decide to punt with less than three minutes to go and no timeouts. Also, you heard it here first- The Andy Reid Farewell Tour heads to San Diego! Pick: Chargers, 27 - 17

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Patriots at Colts- If we're being honest here, and I think we are, isn't everyone who's not a Pats or Colts fan rooting for both Brady and Manning to get carted off before this one's over? No? Really? Really, you're going to tell me not even a little? Really? You know that if it happened, you say to yourself, "Ho-ly shnikes.... that opens the gates..." and then you'd giggle inside. You're a bad person. Pick: Patriots, 30 - 27

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Monday Night Ravens at Browns- As strange as it sounds, right now it might be easier to be a fan of Chris Brown than the Cleveland Browns. At least he can deliver a hit, right? Relax, I know he's a tool. The real question is, can he play quarterback? Cause the Browns could really use a quarterback with smooth moves and a good arm. Kidding, again kidding. What about Rhianna, is she off the DL yet? She's not as pretty as Brady Quinn but maybe she could give it a try. Or, well, this guy wants Kozar back. Or the Hulkster. I'm not sure.
Browns and Bernie

Joey Panzarella Band | MySpace Video

Pick: Ravens, 28 - 13

So here we are at the midpoint of the 2009 NFL regular season. Man, that went fast, didn't it? We've seen two teams maneuver through without a loss, one team still looking for their first victory, a couple of records have been broken, a couple quarterbacks have been benched, there's been a Mile High surprise, a Music City meltdown, a broken jaw in Oakland, the rejuvenation of Cedric Benson, the emergence of Miles Austin, the vengeance of Brett Favre, the degeneration of Jake Delhomme, the disappearance of parity, and some pretty hideous throwback unis. A lot of things have become very clear, not the least of which is the revelation that my selection of the Redskins as a sleeper team likely qualifies me for a free psychiatric review courtesy of the state. Also very clear is that nobody saw the Broncos coming, or the Titans (or the Chargers, or now maybe the Giants) leaving.

We know more now than we did before Week 1 but there's still a lot more to be learned. I have questions. I need answers. And I've found that when I seek the answers to life's more minor questions, there are three places I turn to: 1) the honest, un-jaded, unfiltered voice of youth.... 2) my Magic 8 Ball.... and 3) Led Zeppelin II playing backwards at 45rpm on an old turntable.

To assist me in my quest for answers, I solicited the help of two of my nephews, Brandon and Blake. I would've included my own spawn as well but the baby is too young to speak and my six year old was being mind controlled by some Nickelodeon program. So it was me, the nephews, the trusty Magic 8 Ball, Led Zeppelin II, two Capri Sun pouches, some brownies, a bag of Doritos, and a couple ice cold Miller High Lifes down in the man cave in search of the truth. I had a baker's dozen worth of question s and approximately a half hour to work with. Here were my questions and the astonishing answers I came away with....

1) What are the exact terms of Kyle Orton's deal with the devil?
Nephews: "Who's Kyle Orton?" (after a brief explanation) "Oh, yeah, he has to give up his soul and half of his Wii games and the devil will let him win the championship. And a date with one of the cheerleaders."
Led Zeppelin II: Vul yimwoo bowla frosted flakesin frzt sunna foo fight face annugmy vulattal
Magic 8 Ball: "Ask again later"

2) Now that he's done exacting vengeance on the Packers, will Brett Favre come back down to earth?
Nephews: "Brett Favre is awesome. Wait, he plays for the Packers. Right? Ask that question again."
Led Zeppelin II: Nomel yim awers favruh yee bab yeem favruh nomel yim purple jeezis
Magic 8 Ball: "Cannot predict now"

3) Other than Josh Cribbs, will anyone on the Browns score another touchdown this season?
Nephews: "Uh, no. Wait, ...yes. They'll score a bunch of them against the Bengals. Do they play the Bengals?" (Note: It was at this moment that my eldest nephew, Brandon, was removed from the proceedings)
Led Zep II: Rerkyabradee quinn iz oomgaylord zeeblezif zeeblequiff manjeenis manjeenis
Magic 8 Ball: "Reply hazy, try again"

4) Why does the best drama on television make its home on a channel that doesn't offer HD?
Nephew: "He left his Capri Sun, can I have it?" (after a repeat of the question) "What's a drama? You mean like drama queen? My favorite show is Clone Wars."
Led Zep II: Nivol nivil nekkidbetty nekkidjone nivol nivil redhedniplz needtoosee
Magic 8 Ball: "Concentrate and ask again"

5) Will Jim Zorn last the rest of the season in Washington?
Nephew: "Who's Jim Zorn?" (after a brief explanation) "Oh. Well, if they suck that bad, why don't they get new players?"
Led Zep II: na na na na na na na na hey hey hey goodbye
Magic 8 Ball: "Outlook good"

6) Will the Saints go 16-0?
Nephew: "Is that the team with the funny flower on their helmets? Who's their quarterback? ....Oh yeah, he's good. Um, I think they'll only lose one game."
Led Zep II: finnishdemoff dat fluerdelis hoodat da sprat hoodatdrubreez hoo whattagonnadid
Magic 8 Ball: "Better not tell you now"

7) Will the Bucs go 0-16?
Nephew: "They're the ones with the pirate flags on their helmets? ....They'll probably win half. Can you open the Doritos?"
Led Zep: Deyarrrdawerst grooden missin nooguy raheemishittee
Magic 8 Ball: "My reply is no"

8) Does Applebees not want my business anymore?


Nephew: "I hate Applebee's. Every time we go there Mom drinks too much and starts yelling at people. One time she threw a ketchup bottle at the waitress and called her a trailer tramp. Yeah, it's pretty embarrassing."
Led Zep II: maykim goway maykim goway jakhole wizzle comover punchizfase punchizfase
Magic 8 Ball: "It is decidedly so"

9) Will this year's NFC West champion have a losing record?
Nephew: "I don't know. Hey, can I have a sip of your beer?"
Led Zep II: Nipsuhyees nipsey russell cardsinniners ninerniner damnda niners damdemtoome
Magic 8 Ball: "Reply hazy, try again"

10) Will the AFC North get three teams into the playoffs?
Nephew: "No, they'll get two. No, wait...four. No, two." .... "Can I have another sip?"
Led Zep II: Marmelmayterizzle watchfer hoostin watchfer hoostin
Magic 8 Ball: "Very doubtful"

11) Will the Ryan brothers (Rex and Rob) surpass Spencer & Heidi as the most obnoxious couple in America?
Nephew: "I don't know who they are." (after showing him a brief clip) "I like the one guy's hair. The other dude is kinda fat and sounds like a butt." *BURP*
Led Zep II: Kannastandim fertalknshiz juz la daddy juz la daddy
Magic 8 Ball: "My sources say no"

12) Are we again destined for a Colts-Patriots AFC Championship game?
Nephew: "No, Steelers and Ravens." (Note: It was at this moment that my other nephew, Blake, was removed from the proceedings)
Led Zep II: Pleez allow me to intradoos myself, Iams Tombradee hopeyagessd ma name
Magic 8 Ball: "Cannot predict now"

13) Is Stuart Scott a drone programmed to annoy white people and embarrass black people?
Led Zep II: zizzlefactajack booya booya finkledinkle lazy I booya booya
Magic 8 Ball: "Outlook not so good" So now you know what I know. The triumvirate has spoken. Decipher the results as you will but for me it's all now very, very clear. My sister is failing with my nephews, my Magic 8 Ball is all out of magic, and the devil's clearly no longer speaking through Robert Plant. Next time I'll have to ask my nieces, some tarot cards, and channel the ghost of Jimmy the Greek. Now, on with the matchups.... (new & improved with predictions!)

Ravens at Bengals- Baltimore comes calling with a little payback on their minds. Whatev. I don't think the Bengals are scared of their defense anymore. Okay, maybe Ed Reed, but not Ray-Ray and the rest. I think they're more concerned with the Ravens offense, namely Flacco & Rice. That sounds like a Mexican dish. Or maybe something at a Chinese takeout. I'll have the Flacco & Rice with dim sum sauce, a couple crab rangoons and a fortune cookie. Pick: Bengals, 21 - 20


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Dolphins at Patriots- The Wildcat offense vs the WildPat defense. Miami's tied for 2nd in the league with twelve rushing touchdowns while the Pats D so far has allowed just one on the ground against them. Should be interesting. Also interesting is why a team named after a fish would name their offense after a cat. Wildfish would've been better, right? Pick: Pats, 30 – 16

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Cardinals at Bears- A must-win for Chicago. They likely won't catch the Vikes in the division and the NFC wildcard list is long with contenders. You gotta figure it's going to take at least ten wins to snag a wildcard spot this season, so falling to .500 at the midpoint with a tough second half schedule would likely be a killer for them. For Arizona, also sitting at 4-3, the situation's not quite as dire because their division stinks. What is dire, however, is their running game. For the Cardinals to use the phrase "rushing offense" is more than just a bit of an insult to the word "rush". Word on the street is that Geddy Lee's prepared to sue them for slander should they use the word "rush" in any of their programs or publications. The Cards have zero rushes of over 20 yards this season. Ze-ro. And yes, that's obviously worst in the league. Pick: Cards 27 – 23


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Skins at Shirts (Falcons)- Redskins defensive players have got to be fuming. As a unit, they're tied for fourth-best overall, ranked #2 against the pass, and are allowing less than 18 points per game. I'm guessing that lately their team meetings probably go a little something like this.... Defense: "You guys suck!" Offense: "Shut up!" Defense: "No, you guys really suck."Offense: "Shut up." Defense: "Seriously, you guys are the suckiest sucks who ever sucked." Offense: "Please stop." Defense: "Why, are you going to cry?" Offense: "No." Defense: "You are, you're crying!" Offense: "No we're not." Defense: "Look, we were just kidding. Don't cry. You guys will turn it around." Offense: "Really? You think so?" Defense: "No, you suck!!" Offense: "We hate you." Pick: Falcons, 21 - 16

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Packers at Buccaneers- Chris Berman used to refer to this game as The Bay of Pigs. Of course that was back when he was still developing original material and both of these teams stunk like his stagnant bath water. No Berman's a lazy pig in love with making his voice sound like he's gargling gravel and only one of these teams stinks. (Hint: it's the team with the head coach whose name sounds like a Muslim commercial feline.) Pick: Packers, 27-13

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Texans at Colts- Yee-haw! It's an old school shootout ‘tween the horseshoes n' the cattle skulls! Neither team can run very well but, Hoo-weee, they sure can toss it around! Git yerself a sasparilly and some jerky, kick yer boots off and enjoy this'n. Pick: Colts, 30 – 28

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Chiefs at Jaguars- sniff.... sniff.... I think I smell Don Criqui. Nope, just an old piece of cheese and the distinct hint of despair. Pick: Jags, 27 – 17

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Panthers at Saints- You know how sometimes two things come together and it's like KABLAMM!!!??? Like when you mix vinegar with water & baking soda. Like when hydrogen peroxide meets sulfuric acid. Like when you drop Mentos into a 2-litre of Diet Coke.



Yeah, well there's likely to be a similar reaction this Sunday in the Superdome when Jake "The Interception Machine" Delhomme (15 picks so far) meets the Saints defense and their league-leading 16 interceptions. It's gonna be exciting, explosive, and probably a bit sticky. Unless, of course, Carolina keeps it on the ground and pounds away at the body. Pick: Panthers, 27 – 20

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Lions at Seahawks- Oh sweet Lord. This matchup's uglier than Keith Olbermann wearing a cabbage bikini & applying calamine lotion to a full-body ivy rash. Pick: Seahawks, 27 – 20

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Titans at Niners- Vince Young's back, playing the humbled hot-shot who's getting another chance to fulfill his potential. Opposite him is Alex Smith, also playing a humbled hot-shot who's getting another chance to fulfill his potential. It's set in San Francisco and features a less-than-stellar supporting cast. I like the plot idea but I've heard that its running time is a little over three hours. Unless there's a surprise guest appearance by Salma Hayek displaying her bare Mexi-cans, I'm gonna have to pass. Pick: Niners, 20 – 16


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Chargers at Giants- It's a long trip from the 619 to Jersey. I hope the Chargers remember to pack a new running game. And a new run defense. And a jacket ‘cause it's supposed to drop down into the 40's on Sunday when the sun goes down. And it also probably wouldn't hurt if Coach Turner missed the flight. I'm just sayin'. Pick: Giants, 24 - 21

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Cowboys at Eagles- The ‘Boys have won 3 straight, Romo's been hot, the defense is bending but not breaking, and there's no off-the-field drama for the first time in years. Philly's won their last two convincingly, McNabb had his sharpest game in years last week, Maclin and McCoy are emerging, and the defense has cracked the top ten. Basically it's two teams tied for first place & feeling pretty good about themselves . And one of them is about to get their feelings hurt. It reminds me of a story back when-- Yeah, yeah, whatever... It's Cheerleader Posedown Time!









Pick: Iggles, 27 - 24

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Monday Night Steelers at Broncos- You know that feeling you get at the Blackjack table where you were on a hot streak and now the cards have just started falling against you? You're not sure if they've gone cold but you're just starting to wonder. I'm afraid that's where the Broncos will be by the time they drive home on Monday night. Then again, maybe Elvis Dumervil will fly in around the corner on Big Ben and scramble his eggs a little bit. Either way, I think 21 wins this one. Pick: Steelers, 21 - 16